Safety Traveling Tip

Another property I worked at had a lot of government employees stay there. They were usually very low key and easy to deal with, but we had one guy who was a regular and acted more like a sitcom character than an actual Fed. One time I saw that he was checking in, so I put him in a nice big corner room because I knew he would make a huge stink if he didn't like his room. No use, he had a problem. A big problem.

"This will not do. I have to change rooms."

"Really? Well, of course, but mind if I ask what's wrong with that one?"

"It's right next to the stairs."

"Oh? Are you worried about noise? Rooms by the elevators tend to get more noise complaints than rooms by the stairs."

"No, you don't understand. I am a government agent and this room is right next to the stairwell."
"I'm afraid I'm not following."

"Assassins. They will always strike the first room by the stairwell."

"Awesome. Here's your new key."

He also did weird things like asking male employees if they wanted to hang out after their shift. Some said sure assuming he meant having a friendly drink at a nearby bar. Nope. He wanted late night ice cream dates.

"Uh, sorry, sir. I'm very lactose intolerant."

Sleep With The Fishes

We just had a guest call down to inform us that she woke up in the middle of the night because she could hear her goldfish blowing bubbles. She wasn't complaining, she just wanted to let us know.

It's rare that I get new ones, but it's a treat when I do.

Grizzly Friendly

Awhile a go we had a guest staying with a friendly monster of a dog. The kind that could put his paws on the check in desk and look down on me. Shoulders a wide as mine and he would barely notice if you saddled him out and went for a ride through the Loop. One night I had a drunk guest in the lobby who became startled as the man and gentle giant were exiting the hotel for a nightly walk.

"What the hell was that?"

"Who, them? Just a guest taking his bear out for a night on the town."

"You allow bears here!?"

I couldn't really think of a response to that.

The Auditor's Guide to Crime

Bad: Walking out of a $50 tab from our restaurant.

Awesome: Leaving your lap top and all your research in your rush to dash.

Don't worry though. One guy came back drunk at 1AM trying to get into our closed restaurant. He wasn't happy when I said I had no access after hours, but a manager would be in at 7 sharp to help him get it back. I didn't say anything about the skipped bill so he didn't mind giving me his name and contact information.

Pamela Anderson Fashion Show

"Hello. We just got off the bus for the Pamela Anderson fashion show at the casino and we're just waiting for my friend to get my car. He just called and said we have to wait twenty five fucking minutes to get the car, can you believe that? Oh, is that a goldfish? It's name is Ani Defranco because she sings a song about a goldfish. Do you have a post-it, I want to write Ani Defranco on it so everyone will know it's name. Thank you. I'm here with my mother-in-law who I just got back stage and is now giving me shit about where the car is, but she doesn't speak English so I have to try to talk to her in Turkish (gestures to said mother-in-law sitting on the couch). Can you believe that I got her and her fucking son green cards and know she's ripping my ass out about waiting for the car. My friend is picking it up and driving it home, because I don't drink and drive, that would be fucking stupid. So I even found the only church in Chicago that is Catholic and Muslim, I'm Catholic, and she still isn't happy. Can you believe she is here buying her son a fucking house while I am still renting my tiny ass one bedroom? Ug! Right now I am staying at the Indigo Hotel, but only because I didn't know you guys were pet friendly. Do you have a card? I may want to move ten rooms over here in November. Thanks. Did you know that it was John Lennon's birthday yesterday and Pamela Anderson was too ignorant to give him a blessing? You'd think Tommy Lee would blow something in her ear and tell her to at least play some tribute music or something. You see, I was able to get back stage passes because I am a designer, but you think that would make her happy? And she is still giving me shit about waiting for the car (blows mother-in-law a kiss). Anyway, my gallery is on Superior so you should go check it out when you have a chance. Oh good, the fucking car is here. Thank you so much, you have such a cool hotel. What's your name again? Well, it was great talking with you. (Looks behind her to her friend knocking on the door) Wait a fucking second, I have to get her. (Sweetly) Come on, mama, it's time to go home now. (To me) Ok, have a good night now and make sure you drop by the gallery. Hopefully, we'll see you in November. (To her friend) I'm coming, I'm coming! Bye bye now."

"Um, bye!"

Maybe They Meant Berlin

"Hey, how do you get to the Russian Division section of Chicago?"

"The Russian Division? You mean Ukrainian Village?"

"No, that's not it. We're looking for the street with all the Russian dance clubs. Our cab driver told us that's where we should go to pick up girls."

"The Russian Divis.....Oh, wait! You mean Rush AND Division."

If you don't know Chicago, you may have to trust me that this is pretty funny.

Female Caller

Got an unlisted call tonight at 4am from a throaty female caller.

-Hello. I'm staying at the Holiday Inn, but I stayed at your hotel last week. Are you the young guy who works at night?
-Uh, I guess I could be. What can I do for you?
-What do you look like?
-Um, six foot. Blond hair.
-With the muscular build?
-No, not really.
-Medium then? I'm calling because I am looking for the guy who works there who says he does full body massages for money on the side.
-I'm afraid that's not me.
-Oh. Maybe the security guard then?
-We don't really have a guy like that here.
-Oh. Ok. I'll call back tomorrow night.

I have my doubts about this one. There is a steady line of crank calls at night, almost all from unlisted numbers. Usually, they are from young kids with friends snickering in the back round that hang up giggling as soon as they say a swear word. I had one guy who asked if I was ready. "Ready for what?" I asked. "Are you ready to make a reservation!" He then went into a detailed gangster style rap about making a reservation at my hotel. It was pretty high end too. Unfortunately, I had to put him on hold because I was rather busy and he hung up before I could get back to him. Should have paid more attention to that one.

This is a new one. I've had drunken female friends call and try to convince me that they were a sultry female guest who desperately needs the sexy front desk guy to bring up warm towels to their room, but they tend to have our giggling friends in the background much like the preteen callers do. If this was a friend, I could not tell who it was, so that would be fairly impressive performance. I suppose it could be legit. I think I've seen a movie about that once. It was pretty good, but I only watched maybe ten minutes of it.

Even if I was single, I guess I am too pragmatic too play along. If there really was a woman out there looking for a full body massage from a stranger at 4am, there are many many reasons I would not get my hopes up. I hope it was a crank call and not someone trying to figure out the security situation here. I'm going to email my boss again and ask if that front desk cattle prod I requested is ever going to go through.