Best Thing Ever

I have been dealing with some dudes whp are staying in room 505 all weekend. They are pretty harmless, but have been drunk and obnoxious their whole stay.


Sample phone conversation with room 505:

"We need some more blankets up in here, bitch! Oh, and a ham and cheese sandwich from room service. I love you."


At one point I stopped their leader as he was going out for a smoke and politely asked him to refrain from being childlishly abusive to my staff. After chatting for a bit, he decided I was a stand up guy and that I should be his weekend guardian and counselor. When he needed to order a pizza at 4am in a drunken stupor, he made sure I was at his side.


Room 505 ordering a pizza at 4am:

"I want...I need...I want...pepperoni, bitch! Deep dish. Hell yeah, bitch, large! Thank you. I love you."


I also had to consule him about not being a very good fantasy football manager.

"Don't say that, man. Chin up. It's still early in the season."

The best is when one of them got into an elevator with an attractive blond. He had just gotten back from a wedding, so his suit disguised his drunken immaturity a bit. They were chatting at the elevator went up.

She came back down a couple minutes later and told me she knew she was on the 5th floor, but had forgotten her room number. After confirming the correct room she laughed and told me that she had gotten off the elevator with the guy and walked together toward his room with keys in hand.

He asked, "What room are you going to?"

"505"

"This is the best thing ever."

I neglected to tell her that just before she got here, the dude and his buddies just had to show me the rubber female genitilia that they had just purchased at a porn shop. They didn't want to show me a receipt, though. That would be embarrassing.

Hotel Odyssey 2010

11pm

Families jumped in cabs racing to go see the fireworks and dressed up couples wearing plastic top hats and tiaras started flocking to the bars. Everyone was happy and completely under dressed for the bitter cold outside.



11:59pm

I heard the countdown being shouted throughout the nearby hotel bar. Happy New Year! The restaurant manager stepped out to raise his glass of water to me in cheer. I raised my can of Diet Coke to toast him across the lobby.



12:30am

Two bicycle cops came in to use the restroom and escape the cold. I recognized one who moonlighted as security at another property I worked at. They ended up hanging out in the lobby for a couple hours. This allowed them an opportunity to warm up and me to have the two armed guards I've always wanted. One drunk jerk came in off the street to harass my staff and they got him to leave without me having to say a word. Awesome.



1:30am

Girls dashed across the street to go their respective hotels armored only in tiny skirts and high heels trying to race ahead of the harsh wind. They lost. Everyone who came through the lobby also felt the need to inform me of the cold weather. I apologized and tried to assure them I did everything within my powers have kept this from happening. They understood and appreciated my efforts, but asked that I try harder the next time.



2:40am

My guards eventually get a call from a nearby Hilton where trouble is brewing. I bid them a begrudged fair well, knowing that this inevitably meant my troubles were about to begin.


2:42am

Three noise complaints in a row. One guy told me that if his neighbors didn't shut up, he was going to get them back even worse when they were trying to sleep off their hangovers. Another caused us to halt an amorous couple from doing immoral things in the hallway since they couldn't wait to get to their own room and floor. I invited the third offenders to come down to the lobby if they wanted to carry on their merry making without fear of upsetting their grumpy floor mates. They were really cool and we became fast friends soon after. They asked when I got off my shift and if I would join them when off duty, but with the promise that we wouldn't hang out in their room where we would disturb of complainers. I told them if they were still about at 6:30am I would consider it, but they didn't quite make it. Maybe next time BFFs!



3:45am

A suite called down and asked me to send up a bottle of Vodka. "Sorry, ma'am. The bar is closed and there is no store anywhere nearby where you can by alcohol at this time." In reality, I wasn't really that sorry.



5am

My houseman came in from outside to inform me that one of our guests was chatting with a homeless person and that they were likely to both come inside so the luckless gentleman could use a restroom. I feel kind of bad about it, but we don't allow non guests to use any of our facilities for the safety of our staff and guests. The guy walked in with the homeless gentleman and said, "It's ok, he's with me and I am a guest." I told him that we lock up all of the lobby restrooms at night when the restaurant closes (true) and the only restrooms that are available are the ones in the guest rooms (also true). When he asked where the guest rooms where, I said, "Well, like the one you are staying in." He then apologised to the homeless man saying that maybe that wasn't the best idea. Everyone ended up agreeing, including the understanding homeless man. I do appreciate a person trying to help out an unfortunate, but he pretty much enforced why such rules are in place.



5:30am

Finally got a chance to sit down to enjoy a crappy 7 11 hosted lunch/breakfast/dinner. Meal names get confusing when you work nights.



5:45am

Crappy meal is interrupted. A guest who came down to replace his room key casually mentions, "Oh, by the way. There is some guy passed out in the fourth floor hallway. I hope he's not dead." I agreed that I too hoped he was not dead and had my bellman investigate. After being unable to wake him, he asked me for an assist. When I got up to the floor, I saw the well dressed young gentleman curled up on the floor with his arms cradling his head as a pillow. I had to mildly scold my concerned coworker after he decided to help by quietly laughing and snapping a photo on his cell phone. After five minutes of trying to wake him with quiet speaking to louder urging to forcefully shaking, he finally woke up. I started to ask him questions that were beyond him at the moment such as his driver's license, his room number, and his name. Instead of answering me, he started fiddling with his iPhone. I escorted him down to a chair in the lobby so we could continue our insightful chat without disturbing anymore guests. "What is your name, sir? Are you sure you are in the right hotel? If you are trying to call a friend on your cell phone that is staying here, I would be happy to ring their room. Maybe some coffee or water well help you remember how to express yourself in a more vocal fashion." All the while, he was still scrolling through his phone. After awhile, he did speak. "Am I in Chicago?" I was happy that we were getting somewhere! After I assured him that he was, he then asked, "Am I really that drunk?" I once again assured him that he most certainly was. He kind of laughed and played with his phone some more. Just as I was wondering if I should call 911, he finished his scrolling, leaned to rest his head against the wall, and dropped his cell phone. When I picked it up, I saw that he had just spent the last twenty minutes looking up his confirmation email for his room on the iPhone. I have to admire that. The easy way would be to pull out your wallet and driver's license or maybe simply say your last name. Anyway, I made him a new key and helped him up to his room. On the way up he asked three more times if he could really be this drunk. I mentioned that he must have had a pretty good New Years. He wasn't so sure because he was pretty certain he came back to the hotel alone. I had to concede the point.



6:35am

Passed on to my relief that he has one wake up call to do at 11:30am. When asked how my shift went, I told him that it wasn't half as strange as I expected.

Grizzly Friendly

Awhile a go we had a guest staying with a friendly monster of a dog. The kind that could put his paws on the check in desk and look down on me. Shoulders a wide as mine and he would barely notice if you saddled him out and went for a ride through the Loop. One night I had a drunk guest in the lobby who became startled as the man and gentle giant were exiting the hotel for a nightly walk.

"What the hell was that?"

"Who, them? Just a guest taking his bear out for a night on the town."

"You allow bears here!?"

I couldn't really think of a response to that.

Room Dispute

My crazy girlfriend has this crazy notion that we should avoid arguments after we've been drinking. This, of course, is ridiculous. How else are we supposed to involve cabbies, bouncers, bartenders, officers, and your friendly hotel desk clerks in our heated arguments about...uhm....err.....what were we fighting about again? Well, whatever is was, I am sorry, you were right, and I don't know what I was thinking, and will you please get back in the car?

Working the night weekend shift gives me plenty of opportunities to see happy attractive couples leave the hotel for a night on the town, have them come back four hours later still happy, but less attractive, and then have them neither attractive or happy after they hit the mini bar and a bathroom mirror.

Fortunately, it rarely gets violent, but it can present uncomfortable situations. Sometimes funny, but uncomfortable. But it happens, so don't feel too embarrassed. Just know that everything you do will be logged down for all of the staff to read and enjoy. And some asshole might even post a blog about it. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

So anyway, last weekend I overheard a intoxicated dude come in from a night out and immediately buddy up with the night bellman. The gems of the conversation were that he was ranked slightly higher than FBI and would show his gun if you wanted. No thanks. He also invited my coworker up to the room for some booze and the promise of some girls. Sorry sir, I'm on duty!

The guy goes up to his room and calls down an hour later saying that he doesn't want any girls to come up to the room. This is a new one for me. I asked if he was expecting any to come and he confirmed that he did, but not to let them go up to his room for any reason. Uhm, ok.

At 4:30am a leggy blond comes to the front desk wearing a dress that appeared to be a thin shiny dishrag. My night audit sense tingled. I stopped her and asked what room she was going up to. Surprise! I asked to see her id and regretfully informed her that I could not send her up the room since she was not on the account. Turns out the formally happy attractive couple went out clubbing, got drunk, he talked to girls, she talked to dudes, he leaves, she stays, he texts explicits, she texts explicits, he locks the door. All of her clothes, money, and two little dogs are locked in the room as well. I knew she was telling the truth, but my hands were tied. Aside from calling the room several times, there was not much I could do since her name wasn't on the room. So she pulls out a cell phone and says she will call the cops. Good idea, just call 311. Now, I should say that the girl was upset and drunk, but surprisingly respectfully and never raised her voice (well, anymore than normal drunk conversation). She was a nice enough of a person which I found odd since she was dating such an asshole and was from Detroit.

Two cops come, listen to her story, and ask if the four of us can go up to the room with a pass key to retrieve her belongings. The bellman quietly asked me if he should mention to the cops that the guy said he has a gun. Good idea. The cops were less concerned about the gun, but made the girl promise she would stand back and not start yelling if we got the door open. I knock. No answer except the yipping of tiny dogs. I try the pass key. No dice, he dead bolted the door. Sorry, ma'am, nothing else we can do here. We go back to the lobby and the girl tries to call someone, anyone to put her up for the night while one of the cops told me an awesome story about the time he took his wife to Acapulco, got in an argument in a restaurant which lead to thrown food, tailing his wife back to the hotel room, and a mad dash for the room key. That's some good police work, Lou.

So eventually, she calls mom in Detroit, promises her that she made this mistake for the last time and will break up with him for real, I talk to mom in Detroit, and we arrange a room for the night on her credit card.

Long story long, mom and dad pick her up the next day, the cops are called three more times to get her stuff back, and the dude threatens to sue since we disturbed him all night.

In the end, this situation was the least of my hassles for the night.

So again, this stuff happens. It's embarrassing, but it happens. Just be warned that very little is secret. Just think before you drink. For the dogs sake.