Sunday, August 16, 2009

Party Planning Committee

While I was outside flagging down cabs for departing wedding guests, a trolley pulls up filled with girls in pink shirts yelling in high pitch unison, "Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!" The woman standing next to me pulls a drag from her cigarette and says, "Ah, the Woooo. The standard call of the bachelorette party."

There are many aspects of the bachelorette party that I don't understand, but I have seen enough to make a sexist list which I have entitled The Auditor's Guide to Bachelorette Parties (see below).

The Auditor's Guide to Bachelorette Parties

  1. Everyone should be wearing matching little pink shirts with some half-witty slogan on it.

  2. The bride to be has to wear a tasteful head band with sprouting penis antlers, a flashing pendant that attracts attention to her cleavage, and a veil that mocks her soon-to-be vows.

  3. You need to have some sort of naughty little game planned like Lifesaver candies tied to her shirt which strange guys are supposed to remove with their teeth, or scavenger hunt list which requires the bride to try to convince guys to do extremely dumb things even though it wont even get them a phone number.

  4. More penis accessories, because guys will only try impress girls who have lots of wieners on them.

  5. You need at least one of each of the following girlfriends; an old friend who doesn't like the bride's new friends, a new friend who is shocked that the old friend isn't responding warmly to her, a friend who swears she hates drama, a couple friends who provide nothing but drama, and a quiet cousin from another state who is freaked out by these weird new girls and would like nothing more but to be ignored until gets to go back to her immeadiate family.

  6. You have to yell "Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot.

  7. Maybe a stripper. I don't know about that one though. Are straight women turned on by male strippers? Really? Weird.

There are many things here that I don't get. Sure, you want to have a "naughty" night out with your friends for old time sake, but it's all rather silly, which may be the point. Granted, this mock list is only based from what I have seen during overnights at my hotel and the dumb bars I used to go to when I had just turned twenty one and didn't care which bars and clubs totally blew chunks. The bars I go to now would make for a really awkward (and awesome!) bachelorette party. I have seen the Lifesaver thing during that eneducated time. I guess when a women is just about to get married, she finally learns to appreciate the joy of having a drunk stranger bare his teeth at her chest. And it's pretty awkward for the guys too. Being up close to a breast is a noble and mysterious prize that should be earned by witticism and guile, not by being dragged off your bar stool by some shrieking girls and pointed to a taken woman with only the prize being some dirty hard candy. But again, I must be missing the point. One of the dirty pleasures I get as being a night manager is that I get to see the sloppy drunken aftermath when the party gets back to the hotel and even the drunkest horniest dude flees with in seconds of trying to chat up the party haggard group of blonds in miniskirts.

I'm not saying bachelor parties are that much different. Most of the ones I've been to are just as sloppy drunk, but delightfully nerdy. It's hard to get girls to chat up the groom to be after giving him twelve shots of Jameson, but lots of fun to watch. So far my favorite bachelor was when the best man couldn't get into any bars or clubs because he lost his license to a speeding ticket and I had to plan a very last minute party at my apartment with plenty of booze and a Nintendo emulator. But that's just me. I've been to the other more raunchy ones to, but yeah. Let's leave it at Nintendo.

The one thing I do know is this: if you are throwing a bachelorette party and the bride cries at the end, the party failed. But if your best friend ends up in tears after his bachelor party, it's a job well done.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Not Your Dealer

"I am flattered that you think I am cool enough to ask, but I am afraid that I do not have a joint to sell to you for $20. I am also regretful that I will have to turn down the $20 finder's fee for asking my staff if they have one. Your boldness to ask is admirable, but I do not recommend walking around the streets at night trying to find one. An unscrupulous homeless person might offer you a great deal, but you may end up being directed into an alley and leave with only a few lumps on your head instead of a mellow buzz."

I guess I must look like the kind of guy you could ask. It must the blond shaggy hair and sleepy eyes. At another property I was training a teenage bellman and he asked me where the best place to smoke pot in the building without getting caught. All I could tell him was that I had no idea, but so far he was certainly going about it wrong. The kid was dumb and hilarious. We called him Master Blaster for some reason. Master Blaster used to always complain about some dude who stole his girlfriend. He would go on and on (at our encouragement) about challenging new boyfriend to boxing matches and blowing up his car.

"How would blowing up his car get your girlfriend back?"

"Uh, I don't know. Guess it wouldn't. But at least he wouldn't have a car to pick her up in."

Unfortunately, our time with Master Blaster was cut short by untimely termination.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Smarmy Little ...

A thirteen year old stops by the desk on the way out with his family.

"Hi. I know that you think that I am the trouble maker around here, but that's just not true. The thing is that I just really like apples. Now, I know you noticed that I stuffed six apples into my cargo pants when I was in the elevator with you, but that's only because I love apples so much and you guys just happen to have my favorite brand of apples in your lobby. It has come to my attention that you think that my behavior has been suspicious since someone has been riding the elevators from floor to floor and chucking apples at people's doors when the door opens. That is very unfortunate. I cant believe someone would make such a huge mess in your hallways and disturb your other guests when they are trying to sleep. But it's not me. Because, you know, I just really really love to eat apples. So I understand the misunderstanding and I hope you catch the troublemakers who are doing this. See you when we get back!"

Ah, thirteen. The age where you know everything and everyone else is so very stupid. I loved this speech. We knew we had no proof and was showing off for his sister and cousins. The apple chucking did stop, but he kept coming down to the desk asking for things like cup after cup of hot water. After the fourth cup I asked him what all the water was for.

"Hot chocolate."

"Hot chocolate? On a warm August afternoon?"

"Hot chocolate is always good."


Never did get to find out what he was boiling up there. Maybe it's for the best.