Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Night

Last night I was looking for my late night bellman and found him in a dark bell closet watching a video on his phone.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Oh, just watching dogs barking jingle bells."

Not exactly what I was expecting a 21 year old guy to watch in the dark, but he showed me his phone. Sure enough, dogs barking jingle bells.

Then he made me a sandwich.

I have a good staff here.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Know What You Did Last Night Yet Again

Time once again for one of my favorite games.

What made me think you were going to bring an
escort up to the room, yet again:
  1. You were a walk-in. I covered this one before.
  2. You and some other dude brought in two girls at 3:30am, but they had to leave after you caused too many noise complaints and I told you that one more would result in you being put out in the street.
  3. You were wasted and frustrated that your new girlfriends had to leave. The fact that they both left with the other dude probably didn't help.
  4. At 4am you asked where the cash machine is. I can think of two reasons why you would need cash at 4am while staying in a hotel. One is that you need money for a cab, but you weren't going anywhere. Two is that you wanted to order in and we all know you dont have to pay for pizza with cash.
  5. A blond woman without a coat and high heeled boots (see the before link) came in 5:30am and went up to your floor while barely acknowledging me.
  6. She left exactly at 6am, outlasting my estimated usual time by ten minutes.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Best Thing Ever

I have been dealing with some dudes whp are staying in room 505 all weekend. They are pretty harmless, but have been drunk and obnoxious their whole stay.

Sample phone conversation with room 505:
"We need some more blankets up in here, bitch! Oh, and a ham and cheese sandwich from room service. I love you."

At one point I stopped their leader as he was going out for a smoke and politely asked him to refrain from being childlishly abusive to my staff. After chatting for a bit, he decided I was a stand up guy and that I should be his weekend guardian and counselor. When he needed to order a pizza at 4am in a drunken stupor, he made sure I was at his side.

Room 505 ordering a pizza at 4am:
"I want...I need...I want...pepperoni, bitch! Deep dish. Hell yeah, bitch, large! Thank you. I love you."

I also had to consule him about not being a very good fantasy football manager.

"Don't say that, man. Chin up. It's still early in the season."

The best is when one of them got into an elevator with an attractive blond. He had just gotten back from a wedding, so his suit disguised his drunken immaturity a bit. They were chatting at the elevator went up.

She came back down a couple minutes later and told me she knew she was on the 5th floor, but had forgotten her room number. After confirming the correct room she laughed and told me that she had gotten off the elevator with the guy and walked together toward his room with keys in hand.

He asked, "What room are you going to?"


"This is the best thing ever."

I neglected to tell her that just before she got here, the dude and his buddies just had to show me the rubber female genitilia that they had just purchased at a porn shop. They didn't want to show me a receipt, though. That would be embarrassing.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Support Our Troops

Right before I started my shift, I was warned by the previous manager that he had just checked in a young G.I. who had six drunk buddies follow him in soon after he got his keys to a fairly small room. Oh boy.

I spotted them soon after. Twenty one years old, shaved heads, full of vodka and vinegar. My suspicions of a party night was further encouraged when one of the guys stumbled up to me and handed me a folded twenty.

"Thank you."

"Just make sure you take care of us tonight."

If I was anywhere else I would be a little more dubious of such a cash reward and unclear instructions, but hey, twenty bucks.

After having a smoke with his buddies, he walks back in and gives me another $20.

"Uh, are you sure?"

"Yup. Just take care of us."

Again, still unclear what you mean, but hey, forty bucks.

He goes out again to a convenience store a little while later, comes back to me and hands me $6. On his way to the elevator, it becomes quite clear that he is calling a girl to come visit his room. He has to spell out his name for her. I than assumed that "take care of us" and $46 means please don't call the cops or tell my parents.

"Just keep the noise down, you have neighbors."

She comes in, buddies leave the room to hang out in the lobby, she leaves twenty minutes later.

From the guys in the lobby, me and my staff pick up some info on what happened during the night. Apparently they all went to a strip club where one of the G.I.s lost his wallet, one was last seen "leaving with some Hispanic chick", one who had not had enough of strange girls yet, and two guys who were stuck waiting until the first train to the suburbs leaves at 5:45am.

About three hours later one of them tells us that they called back the woman who visited earlier. She comes in a short while later. I say hello and she said, "Yeah, hello. Again" as she rolled her eyes. Awesome.

She leaves (surprise) twenty minutes later. The G.I. who called her stumbles down for a smoke and tells us how he just couldn't do it. He has a fiance at home and decided that he just needed someone to talk to. I have said before that I am not the morality police, but I have to say he probably made at least one good decision tonight.

At about 5 AM I decide it's time to wake up the remaining soldiers who are dead asleep on the couches and send them on their way before the checkouts begin.

In the end, no noise complaints, no 911 calls. Forty six bucks well earned if you ask me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Can You Tell Me?

We have successfully survived Lollapalooza again. We had a bunch of bands stay overnight including Skinny Europeans In Tight Jeans, My Mustache Is Ironic, and Too Cool To Tip. Well, that ended this past weekend so the rock is over, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

I just found out that the hardest rocking band of the 90s is coming to Chicago. I'll give you some clues.

Long hair.

Bad. Ass.

Saturday, July 31, 2010


Cars are flipped over, base jumpers are flying off of buildings, and a building is toppled in front of my hotel. Michael Bay and crew have come to faux trash Chicago for Transformers 3 which leads me to the best guest question of the week.

"Have you actually seen any Transformers out here?"

Awesome. But no.

But if anyone is bored in Chicago this weekend, I would strongly recommend wearing spray painted cardboard box costumes while stomping through the city.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Almost Mugged

We had a guest who was very upset that she was almost mugged at the Taste of Chicago last weekend. Almost mugged = left her purse in a Porta-John and went back to find out it was still there.

We really did try to be as sympathic as possible.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Dear Chicago Tourists,

I am sorry that I have single handedly brought the Blackhawks to victory. While many of my fellow Chicagoians are happy with my extraordinary ability to allow them to win the championship by watching only the last game in the playoffs, I understand you are upset that the ensuing parade has made it difficult for you to get to the hotel this past early afternoon. I take full responsibility and would not have let it happen had I known the inconvenience it would bring. That being said, I regretfully am unable to give you a free nights stay since you could not get here until our promised check in time of 3pm as opposed noon, but I assure you, if I accidentally do it again, I will call the mayor and tell him to have the parade somewhere more convenient to you such as Naperville or Gary, Indiana.

Yours truly,
the Auditor

P.S. If it makes you feel any better, I am debating shaving my playoff beard.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Real Story

I haven't been writing here much. Alot has been going such as a crazy woman trying to bash open doors with a fire extinguisher, a birthday girl getting arrested after finding her boyfriend having relations with another girl, and a young stalker who gave me a quite hilarious love note to deliver to a guest who was staying with another man. I have meant to write out these stories, but I haven't. I'm lazy. I will probably eventually, but not right now. Just over a year ago I mentioned how I had a celebrity guest stay and promised to give the whole story if requested by email at So as an apology to all three people who wrote to me whom I did not write back, I will tell the story now.

In April 2009 Keifer Sutherland and Jesse James Dupree stayed in my hotel for two nights, both which I was working midnights. I grew up watching Keifer movies, starting with Stand By Me which made me afraid to go to Junior High because I was certain that there was an Ace Merirll waiting around the parking lot who was going to stick a cigarette in my eye with his gang of slicked haired thugs. Jesse James Dupree I knew from the band Jackyl (hell yeah with a Y) and an interview where he carved up Tom Green's desk with his chainsaw guitar. Awesome.

The first night they came in after a night of partying and Keifer came straight up to the desk where we have a goldfish bowl. He said that he was really hungry and pretended that he was dunking his head in the bowl to eat my fish. This is not a new joke to me working here, but it was pretty funny being who he was. Then he walked over to an orchid pot near the desk that has decorative rocks stuck to the pot. He asked if he could have one of the rocks and I said, "Sorry, no. They are glued in."

"Why would you do that?"

"Well, we knew you were coming, Mr. Sutherland."

He laughed probably more than he should have, shook my hand, and said, "You know what? You're a cool guy. Unlike the other assholes who checked me in." Ha! I doubt my coworkers were assholes to Keifer, but I always had an inkling that I was indeed cool. He tipped me a twenty and they went to they're rooms.

The second night they came in from another night of partying and Keifer went straight to the goldfish bowl, said he was hungry, and pretended to eat my fish again. Jesse James Dupree mentioned that it must be like the movie Groundhog Day for me. Mr. Dupree's esteem went up highly in my book for that. They tipped me again, joked around a bit more in the lobby and went back up to their rooms. Jesse called down shortly later and said he liked the hotel, but that next time they come I should arrange for a fishbowl to be filled with expensive whiskey complete with a live swimming goldfish, and a crazy straw to be put into Keifer's room next time. I, of course agreed that this was an excellent idea and I would surely work on that next time.

And that's pretty much what happened. No cigarette butt in the eye. Just $40 and a pretty good story. Not bad shifts if you ask me. The next day The Red Eye had a brief blurb about how much Keifer Sutherland enjoyed our hotel, but mentioned concern for our goldfish. Not sure how that part got out, but it did help to prove to my coworkers that I wasn't lying.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

More Than Meets The Eye

They are filming something outside of the hotel. My coworker said she thinks it might be Transformers 3. I hope not. While it would be cool to watch giant robots fighting on the street, but I'm not in the mood for the noise complaints.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Haiku Me, I'm Irish

dye the river green
pseudo st. pat's day is here
don't screw in the alley

Friday, January 1, 2010

Hotel Odyssey 2010


Families jumped in cabs racing to go see the fireworks and dressed up couples wearing plastic top hats and tiaras started flocking to the bars. Everyone was happy and completely under dressed for the bitter cold outside.


I heard the countdown being shouted throughout the nearby hotel bar. Happy New Year! The restaurant manager stepped out to raise his glass of water to me in cheer. I raised my can of Diet Coke to toast him across the lobby.


Two bicycle cops came in to use the restroom and escape the cold. I recognized one who moonlighted as security at another property I worked at. They ended up hanging out in the lobby for a couple hours. This allowed them an opportunity to warm up and me to have the two armed guards I've always wanted. One drunk jerk came in off the street to harass my staff and they got him to leave without me having to say a word. Awesome.


Girls dashed across the street to go their respective hotels armored only in tiny skirts and high heels trying to race ahead of the harsh wind. They lost. Everyone who came through the lobby also felt the need to inform me of the cold weather. I apologized and tried to assure them I did everything within my powers have kept this from happening. They understood and appreciated my efforts, but asked that I try harder the next time.


My guards eventually get a call from a nearby Hilton where trouble is brewing. I bid them a begrudged fair well, knowing that this inevitably meant my troubles were about to begin.


Three noise complaints in a row. One guy told me that if his neighbors didn't shut up, he was going to get them back even worse when they were trying to sleep off their hangovers. Another caused us to halt an amorous couple from doing immoral things in the hallway since they couldn't wait to get to their own room and floor. I invited the third offenders to come down to the lobby if they wanted to carry on their merry making without fear of upsetting their grumpy floor mates. They were really cool and we became fast friends soon after. They asked when I got off my shift and if I would join them when off duty, but with the promise that we wouldn't hang out in their room where we would disturb of complainers. I told them if they were still about at 6:30am I would consider it, but they didn't quite make it. Maybe next time BFFs!


A suite called down and asked me to send up a bottle of Vodka. "Sorry, ma'am. The bar is closed and there is no store anywhere nearby where you can by alcohol at this time." In reality, I wasn't really that sorry.


My houseman came in from outside to inform me that one of our guests was chatting with a homeless person and that they were likely to both come inside so the luckless gentleman could use a restroom. I feel kind of bad about it, but we don't allow non guests to use any of our facilities for the safety of our staff and guests. The guy walked in with the homeless gentleman and said, "It's ok, he's with me and I am a guest." I told him that we lock up all of the lobby restrooms at night when the restaurant closes (true) and the only restrooms that are available are the ones in the guest rooms (also true). When he asked where the guest rooms where, I said, "Well, like the one you are staying in." He then apologised to the homeless man saying that maybe that wasn't the best idea. Everyone ended up agreeing, including the understanding homeless man. I do appreciate a person trying to help out an unfortunate, but he pretty much enforced why such rules are in place.


Finally got a chance to sit down to enjoy a crappy 7 11 hosted lunch/breakfast/dinner. Meal names get confusing when you work nights.


Crappy meal is interrupted. A guest who came down to replace his room key casually mentions, "Oh, by the way. There is some guy passed out in the fourth floor hallway. I hope he's not dead." I agreed that I too hoped he was not dead and had my bellman investigate. After being unable to wake him, he asked me for an assist. When I got up to the floor, I saw the well dressed young gentleman curled up on the floor with his arms cradling his head as a pillow. I had to mildly scold my concerned coworker after he decided to help by quietly laughing and snapping a photo on his cell phone. After five minutes of trying to wake him with quiet speaking to louder urging to forcefully shaking, he finally woke up. I started to ask him questions that were beyond him at the moment such as his driver's license, his room number, and his name. Instead of answering me, he started fiddling with his iPhone. I escorted him down to a chair in the lobby so we could continue our insightful chat without disturbing anymore guests. "What is your name, sir? Are you sure you are in the right hotel? If you are trying to call a friend on your cell phone that is staying here, I would be happy to ring their room. Maybe some coffee or water well help you remember how to express yourself in a more vocal fashion." All the while, he was still scrolling through his phone. After awhile, he did speak. "Am I in Chicago?" I was happy that we were getting somewhere! After I assured him that he was, he then asked, "Am I really that drunk?" I once again assured him that he most certainly was. He kind of laughed and played with his phone some more. Just as I was wondering if I should call 911, he finished his scrolling, leaned to rest his head against the wall, and dropped his cell phone. When I picked it up, I saw that he had just spent the last twenty minutes looking up his confirmation email for his room on the iPhone. I have to admire that. The easy way would be to pull out your wallet and driver's license or maybe simply say your last name. Anyway, I made him a new key and helped him up to his room. On the way up he asked three more times if he could really be this drunk. I mentioned that he must have had a pretty good New Years. He wasn't so sure because he was pretty certain he came back to the hotel alone. I had to concede the point.


Passed on to my relief that he has one wake up call to do at 11:30am. When asked how my shift went, I told him that it wasn't half as strange as I expected.