Dear Chicago Tourists,
I am sorry that I have single handedly brought the Blackhawks to victory. While many of my fellow Chicagoians are happy with my extraordinary ability to allow them to win the championship by watching only the last game in the playoffs, I understand you are upset that the ensuing parade has made it difficult for you to get to the hotel this past early afternoon. I take full responsibility and would not have let it happen had I known the inconvenience it would bring. That being said, I regretfully am unable to give you a free nights stay since you could not get here until our promised check in time of 3pm as opposed noon, but I assure you, if I accidentally do it again, I will call the mayor and tell him to have the parade somewhere more convenient to you such as Naperville or Gary, Indiana.
P.S. If it makes you feel any better, I am debating shaving my playoff beard.