Friday, May 29, 2009

And I Keep Eating It Only Because It Is There

Tonight I went to 7 11 to pick up some midnight snacks and since I am so health conscious, I decided on some Instant Lunch noodles and beef jerky. I am hear to tell you that 7 11 brand beef jerky is $2 less for a reason. The package says that it contains expertly sliced and dried premium cuts of beef with black pepper. While I have never claimed to be an expert on slicing beef jerky, I don't see what is so "expertly" about it. They are just random hunks of jerky. No shapes of super heroes or anything, just hunks. Hmm. Super hero shaped jerky is a really good idea. If you are in the jerky business, send me an email and I will sell that one to you along with my many other meat shaping ideas. I'm not so sure about the premium cuts part either. I don't imagine any jerky supplier has to look for the premium part of a cow (please let it be from a cow) for my snack. It is dry and too crunchy. They weren't kidding about the black pepper though. I imagine that one of the expert slicers dared a coworker to eat a piece and then decided to smoother it with pepper so people would get distracted from the meaty part. The back of the package is trying to assure me that thanks to the just right dusting of black pepper my taste buds are sure to get fired up. I'm not sure that the 7 11 jerky distributors know what "dusting" means. After I swallowed a piece, I heard a crunch when I bit down later on pure pepper chunks. Yuk.

Next time I will save up an extra $2 and go for my more trusted brands of beef jerky. The Instant Lunch noodles didn't disappoint me any more than usual though.

It's been slow.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

They Only Come Out At 5AM

A girl in her early 20s comes down to the desk looking for a cab. While the bellman flags one down for her, she decides to share.

"Oops. I left my cigarettes in my friend's room and I forgot the room number. He's a really cool guy. We've known each other for a long time. Don't worry, he's gay."

"I see. Did you call down a couple hours ago asking about our smoking policy?"

"Yeah, that was me. Hey, do you know where I was before I got here?"

"No. No I do not. Where?"


"Really? What for?"


"Maybe it would be better if you just told me."

"Solicitation. I was picked up by a fat guy in a real nice Cadillac. I get in and he asks if I would do...something to him. I told him normally not on the first date, but for him I would. I figured I was going to make some big money. Just as I was taking off my blouse, he pulls out his big fat wallet and shows me his badge."

"Oh. Wow."

"It was cool though. They let me go after awhile. The cops even let me drink my vodka."

"Oh really?"

"Hey, do you know where I can get some booze?"

"At 5am on Saturday morning? Afraid not. Some places start selling at 7, though."

"Oh, ok. I'll be back later."

"Uhm, ok?"