Saturday, October 10, 2009

Pamela Anderson Fashion Show

"Hello. We just got off the bus for the Pamela Anderson fashion show at the casino and we're just waiting for my friend to get my car. He just called and said we have to wait twenty five fucking minutes to get the car, can you believe that? Oh, is that a goldfish? It's name is Ani Defranco because she sings a song about a goldfish. Do you have a post-it, I want to write Ani Defranco on it so everyone will know it's name. Thank you. I'm here with my mother-in-law who I just got back stage and is now giving me shit about where the car is, but she doesn't speak English so I have to try to talk to her in Turkish (gestures to said mother-in-law sitting on the couch). Can you believe that I got her and her fucking son green cards and know she's ripping my ass out about waiting for the car. My friend is picking it up and driving it home, because I don't drink and drive, that would be fucking stupid. So I even found the only church in Chicago that is Catholic and Muslim, I'm Catholic, and she still isn't happy. Can you believe she is here buying her son a fucking house while I am still renting my tiny ass one bedroom? Ug! Right now I am staying at the Indigo Hotel, but only because I didn't know you guys were pet friendly. Do you have a card? I may want to move ten rooms over here in November. Thanks. Did you know that it was John Lennon's birthday yesterday and Pamela Anderson was too ignorant to give him a blessing? You'd think Tommy Lee would blow something in her ear and tell her to at least play some tribute music or something. You see, I was able to get back stage passes because I am a designer, but you think that would make her happy? And she is still giving me shit about waiting for the car (blows mother-in-law a kiss). Anyway, my gallery is on Superior so you should go check it out when you have a chance. Oh good, the fucking car is here. Thank you so much, you have such a cool hotel. What's your name again? Well, it was great talking with you. (Looks behind her to her friend knocking on the door) Wait a fucking second, I have to get her. (Sweetly) Come on, mama, it's time to go home now. (To me) Ok, have a good night now and make sure you drop by the gallery. Hopefully, we'll see you in November. (To her friend) I'm coming, I'm coming! Bye bye now."

"Um, bye!"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Maybe They Meant Berlin

"Hey, how do you get to the Russian Division section of Chicago?"

"The Russian Division? You mean Ukrainian Village?"

"No, that's not it. We're looking for the street with all the Russian dance clubs. Our cab driver told us that's where we should go to pick up girls."

"The Russian Divis.....Oh, wait! You mean Rush AND Division."

If you don't know Chicago, you may have to trust me that this is pretty funny.