Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hate Monger

Like everyone else I know, I'm not prejudiced against race. I'm just not sure if that black guy on the train is rapping or really angry. You see, I love like everyone some people.

But I do have a very deep different kind of prejudice. Oh yes I do. If I find out what city or state you live in, believe me, I will have some deeply scornful perceived notions about you. And lots of the time you don't have to tell me where you are from. I can just taste it. And it's nasty.

Here are a few examples.

  • I know you are from New York. You are loud, obnoxious, and seem to think everyone wants to talk to you. I don't care if you can get an saber tooth tiger sandwich at four am in New York. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from Detroit. You are shifty and untrustworthy. Within thirty seconds of this conversation, I have checked my pocket to make sure my wallet is still there and my sides to check on my kidneys. And I am going to call my mom and make sure she is all right. I don't care if you once sold crack to the whole Pistons line up. Go to bed.

  • You are from New Jersey. You. Ugg. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from Toronto. You talk alot yet are unnervingly polite. You are an odd mixture of major American city people and with just enough smugness about not being an actual American. I do feel bad that you had to drive through Detroit to get here. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from Los Angeles. You hair is too complicated for Chicago. And you dress like a douche bag. You are either here to film an interview or shoot a porno in your room. You are also likely to answer the door naked and scare the housekeepers. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from Indiana. You don't want to be here, but your boss made you come. You miss your strip clubs and are afraid of Chicago drivers. You have Chicago envy, but aren't going to admit it. At least your favorite baseball team is here. Take off your trucker hat and go to bed.

  • I know you are from the South Suburbs. You are here for a wedding. Afterwards you get drunk you will go to a bar in your grooms men's suit and get into a fight about whether the Sox or Cubs are better. Then you will come back here, buy two cases of MGD across the street and slur at me something about "where the ladies at?" You will drink one half of those beers and pass out on a bell cart. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from the North Suburbs. You want to tell me how wonderful the musical or opera you just saw was and how crazy your cab ride was. Go to bed.

  • I know you are from anywhere else in Illinois. See Indiana.

  • I know you are from Chicago. You have lived here all your life and still complain about the weather. And you are still shocked about how much parking costs in the loop. You know Chicago is better than LA and New York even though you've never visited either. Finish your blog and go to bed.


Anonymous said...

people from Toronto also have loonies instead of dollars, which make it difficult to tip strippers. but you already knew that. nice blog posting. ur funny.

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sanders said...

people from new jersey are terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible people. TERRIBLE. they came into yellowstone wearing sun visors and matching track suits and complaining about everything in their terrible accents. they always wanted something i could never give them, like softer pillows or televisions or love for their husbands. they stink and i hate them.

people from illinois always ruled.

i have a good story about people from japan, but i'll save that for when i see your stinky face in person.

em said...

I work weekend night audit in Maine. It is tourist season and I have developed my own set of stereo-types. I am glad to see I am not alone in this.

Great blog!!! Night auditors!!

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