Crime, Books, and Videotape

I have just read a comment on my last post from my most loyal reader, Anonymous, possibly hinting that I may not have been posting due to this article. Sorry dear readers, that's not me. I would never have my mugshot taken in front of a pink background. Would be funny if it were, though. I'm afraid I've been a bad updating auditor due to a more nefarious reason. After that stupid Conflicker virus scare, my hotel has seriously upped it's web browsing security by blocking such evil networking sites such as myspace, facebook, and http://www.graveyardchicago.blogspot.com/. So not only am I unable to download over-hyped malicious nerd viruses onto my work's network, I am unable to view this blog much less update it from there. Ah well. Since I have done most of my writing here on impulse at 4am during my shift, I have been neglecting my plan of emailing myself some posts and pasting them from home. But I will be better now, I promise.

Along with the internet changes, they have also changed the lobby music to a more summery theme. Surprisingly, all of these summery songs are about cities other than Chicago. I am lucky that I work at a job that streams music that plays a third of which I would listen to on my own time. This is the only job I've had which they play an occasional Social Distortion song and when alone at the desk I can have my own private Al Green groove session. But I don't know about the new mix. We got at least three Beach Boys songs on rotation, which is ok. Next we have Summertime by Will Smith. Sure, why not. But the most often played song is All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow. Now, I can stand a Sheryl Crow song once every four years, but they play that song about once an hour. That adds up during a forty hour work week. I'm sure you understand and deeply sympathize.

But not all has been bad. I have recently met my favorite convention that comes to Chicago and am saddened that they only come once every four years. The American Association of School Librarians have recently departed and I will miss them very much. Women of all ages and a couple dudes (husbands) have come to the desk asking questions ranging from opera tickets to what channel the UFC fight is on. They were all super smart, witty, and they read and followed every rule we have. My favorite pair of couples had a woman in their group who reads a book a day and would tell you four to five other obscure authors you might enjoy based on what book you have been currently reading. She picked up and left me a couple books based on what she thought I would enjoy, one being about a vampire detective in New York. Some people just know me. The books alone was one of the best tips I have ever received, but later her husband came down with a paper bag stating that they had some leftovers and I was free to have them if I wanted. Often, guests will offer some left over Chicago Deep Dish Pizza(tm), but they gave me a six pack of Trader Joe's beer. Books? And beer? Only two of my top five favorite things in the world! Come back the American Association of School Librarians, I miss you already.

Since I have been lacking in my posts, I'll add a brief story. When checking up on upcoming arrivals, I found a reservation for a room with two queen sized beds that had the following added on note from the reservationist; "The guest stated that they would be having 14 people in the room to film an adult film." Whether management approves or not, we have had a couple of "exotic" people stay here who have used our rooms for such creative purposes, but in only unimpressive numbers like two or three. I figured it best to send my supervisor a warning email warning of this possible art making, but noted that it was probably a joke being that the reservation was under the name Yao Ming, the seven foot six Chinese Houston Rockets NBA player. For better or worse, the reservation ended up being a no show. I am torn as to if this was my preferred outcome.

I have also grown a beard.

And I Keep Eating It Only Because It Is There

Tonight I went to 7 11 to pick up some midnight snacks and since I am so health conscious, I decided on some Instant Lunch noodles and beef jerky. I am hear to tell you that 7 11 brand beef jerky is $2 less for a reason. The package says that it contains expertly sliced and dried premium cuts of beef with black pepper. While I have never claimed to be an expert on slicing beef jerky, I don't see what is so "expertly" about it. They are just random hunks of jerky. No shapes of super heroes or anything, just hunks. Hmm. Super hero shaped jerky is a really good idea. If you are in the jerky business, send me an email and I will sell that one to you along with my many other meat shaping ideas. I'm not so sure about the premium cuts part either. I don't imagine any jerky supplier has to look for the premium part of a cow (please let it be from a cow) for my snack. It is dry and too crunchy. They weren't kidding about the black pepper though. I imagine that one of the expert slicers dared a coworker to eat a piece and then decided to smoother it with pepper so people would get distracted from the meaty part. The back of the package is trying to assure me that thanks to the just right dusting of black pepper my taste buds are sure to get fired up. I'm not sure that the 7 11 jerky distributors know what "dusting" means. After I swallowed a piece, I heard a crunch when I bit down later on pure pepper chunks. Yuk.

Next time I will save up an extra $2 and go for my more trusted brands of beef jerky. The Instant Lunch noodles didn't disappoint me any more than usual though.




It's been slow.

They Only Come Out At 5AM

A girl in her early 20s comes down to the desk looking for a cab. While the bellman flags one down for her, she decides to share.

"Oops. I left my cigarettes in my friend's room and I forgot the room number. He's a really cool guy. We've known each other for a long time. Don't worry, he's gay."

"I see. Did you call down a couple hours ago asking about our smoking policy?"

"Yeah, that was me. Hey, do you know where I was before I got here?"

"No. No I do not. Where?"

"Jail."

"Really? What for?"

"Guess."

"Maybe it would be better if you just told me."

"Solicitation. I was picked up by a fat guy in a real nice Cadillac. I get in and he asks if I would do...something to him. I told him normally not on the first date, but for him I would. I figured I was going to make some big money. Just as I was taking off my blouse, he pulls out his big fat wallet and shows me his badge."

"Oh. Wow."

"It was cool though. They let me go after awhile. The cops even let me drink my vodka."

"Oh really?"

"Hey, do you know where I can get some booze?"

"At 5am on Saturday morning? Afraid not. Some places start selling at 7, though."

"Oh, ok. I'll be back later."

"Uhm, ok?"

Best Shift Ever

When a celebrity VIP is staying at a hotel, it is key for the staff to acknowledge their status without annoying them with typical fan like needs. It is a fine line between not asking for autographs, but making very clear that you know who they are. On the other end, you never want to meet a celeb that doesn't live up to the level that you want them to be. I was lucky. Last week I met one of the few big stars that I was actually star struck to meet. Ace Merill was the tough greaser I was afraid to meet in junior high, David was the vampire that was the the only villain that Joel Schumacher ever made scary, and Jack Bauer is the only conservative hero that I ever cheered for. I am proud to say I have met Kiefer Sutherland.

This is my story.

01:35:06
[phone rings]
Me: Thank you for calling the front desk, how may I help you?
Kiefer: Chloe? Is that you? Thank God you're all right.
Me: What? This is the front desk. Can I help you with something?
Kiefer: Listen to me very carefully. I need a vodka cranberry sent up to my room right away.
Me: I'm sorry, Mr. Sutherland, the bar closed at 12:30.
Kiefer: [shouting] Dammit! You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation.
Me: Sorry, sir. You could always try the Irish pub across the street.
Kiefer: Fine. Get a CTU helicopter here in 5 minutes.
Me: Uh, I can turn on the cab light for you.
Kiefer: Do it! [click]

03:05:32
[phone rings]
Me: Front desk, may I help you?
Kiefer: Chloe, I need the access code to get into the adult movies.
Me: My name is not Chloe, sir.
Kiefer: [shouting] I need those codes now!
Me: Ok, Kiefer. It will take me a few seconds to pull them up.
Kiefer: You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.
Me: All right, all right. Geez. [furious typing] Ok, got em. First find the remote.
Kiefer: Got it.
Me: Press power, then the A button. Now press the A button again.
Kiefer: [shouting] Hurry! I'm running out of time!
Me: Now you just scroll down and pick which one you want.
Kiefer: Oh, good. I got one. Thanks! [click]

03:37:06
[phone rings]
Me: Good morning, this is the front desk. How may I help you?
Kiefer: [angry] How long have you been playing me?
Me: What? Is there something wrong?
Kiefer: Someone, not me, has clogged the toilet.
Me: Sorry about that, Mr. Sutherland. I'll have Glen the engineer come up and fix that for you right away.
Kiefer: No! Not Glen. He is no longer to be trusted.
Me: What? I've been working with him for years.
Kiefer: No! He has been undermining our mission from the start. I need you to come up and do it.
Me: [uncomfortable] I'm sorry, I really should stay here and mind the desk. You know, for national security….things.
Kiefer: That's the problem with people like you. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves.
Me: Not going to happen, Kiefer.
Kiefer: Fine, I'll do it myself.[click]

04:15:48
[phone rings]
Me: Front desk, may I…
Kiefer: [almost whispering] Listen to me, I have a hostile in the room next to mine. I believe it is a terrorist, maybe 14 months old. He is crying loudly and keeping me up. Can you give me identification?
Me: Oh, that must be the Watson's baby. Sorry, there's not much I can do from here.
Kiefer: I used to be in the military. Used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life.
Me: Well, I'm sure Mrs. Watson will quiet him down soon.
Kiefer: [still whispering] I'm going in.
Me: Wait, Kiefer! No!
[gunshots and screaming heard over the dropped phone]
Me: Kiefer? Hello? Kiefer, are you there?
[click]

05:23:06
[phone rings]
Me: Yes, Mr. Sutherland?
Kiefer: Tell me where the phone book is or I will kill your son!
Me: Did you check the closet?
Kiefer: The closet? No. Hold on. [brief wait] Never mind. Found it. [click]

06:54:25
[phone rings]
Me: Yes, Mr. Sutherland?
Kiefer: Chloe, I need you to send up a luggage cart and change for a twenty to take a train to Midway.
Me: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Sutherland.
Keifer: What!?
Me: I said I'm afraid I can't do that, Kiefer. I have orders not to send up a bell cart and make change for the train.
Kiefer: [shouting] What? On whose authority!?
Me: [dramatic pause] The White House, sir.


Ok, maybe that isn't exactly what happened. Maybe that was a modified blog that I posted a few years ago before Kiefer and I became best friends. The real story is almost nearly amusing which I may tell you if you email me at graveyardchicago@gmail.com. The full story includes Jesse James Dupree, the lead singer of Jackyl. Yes, with a Y.

Bottom line, Kiefer Sutherland and Jesse James Dupree were awesome. I may never forget when Kiefer Sutherland said I was a cool guy and Jesse James Dupree made a Groundhog Day joke. Best shift ever.

Hitman

One of the cool things about working in a hotel is meeting the occasional celebrity. Most are really cool, some are snobs, and a few smell like mustard. I rarely get starstruck, but I just met one of my favorites tonight and couldn't help being a little awed. I'll write about that experience after he checks out in about 24 hours from now. In this post I am going to talk about a celebrity who didn't like me. Shocking, I know. If it matters, this story didn't happen at the property I currently work for.

Aside from the Rocky movies, I'm not a huge boxing fan and Tommy "Hitman" Hearns was not a fan of me. If you look up his wikipedia page, you will see that he was quite the celebrated fighter during his time. I think he was there for a charity event or something. Everything was going well when I checked him and his entourage in until he asked me, "Are these rooms ahjurmin?"

".... I'm sorry, what?"

"Are these rooms ahjurmin?"

"... Again, I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question?"

"I said 'Are these rooms ahjurmin!'"

"Are the rooms a germy? No, we cleaned them before you got here."

His assistant quickly jumped in and asked, "No. He wants to know if the rooms adjoining."

"Ah! Adjoining. Yes, there is a door between the two rooms."

"What's amatta? You don't speak english or somethin?" he asked getting a few nervous chuckles from his crowd.

I am an expert mumbler myself, but I guess I don't have the excuse of getting hit in the head for a living. My buddy who was the bellman took him up to the rooms and told me that not only did he get tipped well, but they spent the elevator ride talking about punching me in the stomach. Thanks, bro.

What Made Me Think: Part II

What made me think you were committing identity theft to get a room tonight:

1. You didn't look right. You were wearing sweatpants and have no purse or bags. You smelt and appeared not to have washed in days. I don't like to discriminate, but I have to in order to protect my place of business and my job.
2. The guy you were with was hanging back by the revolving door. He looked like he was ready to bolt at any time.
3. You asked me if we accept credit cards. This is a really dumb and suspicious question.
4. You didn't ask me what the room rate is. When I offered it anyway, you could care less. You may be eccentric tycoons, but I have my doubts.
5. You handed me a debit card and a driver's license. Normally a good sign since most shady people want to pay cash, but you didn't pull them out of a purse or wallet. You had them floating around in your sweatpants pocket.
6. The picture on the license is close, but not close enough. If it wasn't for everything else that made me suspicious, I might not have noticed.
7. I mentioned this and you were not offended. I asked for another form of identification and you said you don't have anything without bothering to check or even think about it. You said you just got a haircut.
8. I said I am sorry, but I can't help you and you were OK with that. The fact that you left so quietly and without argument made me happy. It told me that you were up to no good and I am glad that I don't have to argue with you for a half hour.

I decided to call a hotel around the block to warn them you might be showing up there. The desk clerk is amused because you are standing in front of him. He is less discriminating than I am and has tried to check you in.

Unfortunately, the card has been declined.

Conditions and Opportunities

Last week we had a charming elderly French couple check in. Well, charming if not a bit racist.

The gentleman went to the concierge and requested for him to arrange a manicure for his wife. But they had a couple conditions.

1) She must not be Asian
2) She must be polite
3) She must speak English

"Sorry sir, I don't think we can arrange that. How does one out of three sound?"




Also, I have a tip for people looking for more gainful employment in these hard economic times. When you are drunkenly escorted out of a hotel at 4:30 in the morning due to noise complaints from a room party, it is not the best time to try to stop and apply for a job. Feel free to call us later at a more decent hour so we cant smell the vodka on your breath.