Tricks and Treats

Earlier today we had a female guest call down and complained that electricity blew out in her room. When the problem was investigated, we found that the blown fuse was due to all the photography equipment set up to do, ahem, a photo shoot. A quick internet search done by one of the managers found some of her other work. Alas, he did not share the web address. We get quite a few of these "models" along with some "dancers" and "film stars". Awesome!

At about midnight, three girls came down in very skimpy dominatrix outfits. Skimpy as in better have a couple band-aids under the corset so there are no arrests for indecency. It seems the night before they were wearing the same thing when they went out. Our engineer was in the elevator with them when he was ordered to bend over while one of them waved a menacing banana at him (I declined to ask what happened next. They were on the prowl for some hot Sunday late night Halloween parties. When I got a cab for them, they didn't believe that I didn't know where all the good strip clubs are. They said goodnight and that they'll be back at 7am. No banana was offered to me, so I didn't offer one either.

Bad Dude

An internal flag on an incoming guests room:

"Guest's wife does not allow him to carry a credit card, so he will bring a photocopy of the card (issued in his name) along with acceptable ID. Have the guest fill out a cc authorization form at c/in and keep copies of the cc and a copy of the id"

Please please please let me be the one who checks this one in.

Religion, Mystics, Confusion, and Vomit

I haven't been posting for awhile because it's been rather dull here. Very disappointing. Busy, but dull. I figured I should at least post something in case my three readers stop coming by.

We had a happy drunken wedding this past evening. Since it is a non smoking hotel, it is usual for guests to hang outside of the front door to puff away and sneak out beverages. There were about a half dozen party goers outside when I noticed a homeless man interacting with them. We have quite a few regular homeless in this area of the loop, so it is not unusual. I was watching this from the inside and called the bellman who was outside calling cabs.

Me: What's that guy doing out there? Is everything cool?
Night Bellman: Yeah. Everythings cool. He's just preaching Jesus.

Soon after, there were group hugs with the homeless man and much merrymaking. Saved!

Later I walked out just in time to see a young lady vomit out the door of her cab. Her boyfriend and I exchanged looks and tried not to laugh. I like to pretend I never drink when I see things like this.

There was a memo by the other night auditor to look out for the models who were checking in because they might be confused. I thought this was funny. But it turned out to be true.

Drunk swedes have trouble understanding our wacky number system. 1202? 1205? Not the same thing?

I also had one lady come down to the desk at 4am with a new question. We have a lady come in during our wine hour who does writing analysis. The lady wanted to know if we know who this hotel mystic was and to make sure she isn't going to steal her handwriting and her identity. Fair enough, I guess. Maybe. Interesting what worries go through people's heads at 4 in the morning. I assured her we knew how this lady was and that she probably had nothing to worry about. Pretty sure she went back to bed unconvinced.

But It Was Guaranteed

I do love porn disputes. I did say disputes, right?

Usually people "accidentally" turn on the movie for about ten minutes before they suddenly realize it's the wrong movie. I had a guy today who told me he didn't mean to watch one of the movies, but the other one was ok.

Satisfaction Guaranteed? Deleted!
Ultimate Threesomes? Paid for in full!

This both proves and disproves everything you ever learned about judging a porno by it's cover.

Celebrities and Drunkards

The regular night auditor is on vacation so I am on day 3 of a 7 day midnight marathon. So far it has been pretty tame, but I'll throw in some tidbits.

#1

We had a rapper whom I never heard of stay here. He had an entourage, an Escalade parked up front, ate nothing but fast food, smoked a whole lot of weed in the room, and has beaten his murder rap, but still got convicted for the involuntary manslaughter. Come on man, try to have some originality here.

Bellman: Hey, don't you know who that big fat guy eating the cheeseburger is?
Me: No idea. Who?
Bellman: 50 cent!

It really wasn't 50 Cent.

#2

Also, the night bellman told me that some girl came to the desk late at night one day and asked about me. This is unusual. Even though I am amazingly attractive, I rarely get flirted with at work and never flirt back. You believe me, don't you, baby?

Night Bellman: Yeah. She didn't know your name but asked where was the cute guy wearing glasses and an ugly tie.
Me: Well, I do wear glasses and it certainly is an ugly tie. That is odd, though. I have no idea who that could be. What did she look like?
Night Bellman: A drunkard.
Me: Ahhhhhhh.

Mystery solved.

#3

Me: Yes, they are filming an Angelina Jolie movie outside and, yes, I will send her up to your room immediately. You are very funny. Go to bed.

#4

So far my favorite guest has been the drunken Norwegian guy. He was awesome. He walked up to me and briefly mumbled something. I agreed with him and he gave me $20. This is how all of my guest interactions should be. If you stay at my hotel, you should definetely do this too.

Two Weeks Prior

I'm bored. Nothing going on except for the usual comings and goings of the bar folk. Just glad the drunk Cubs fans and the drunk Cardinals fans aren't fighting. So, since today is dull, I'll tell a brief story from a couple weeks ago.

It was the Sunday of Lollalapooze weekend. I was hoping for a nice quiet night, but no luck. I had little hipsters coming in and out of the hotel all night so they could sit outside, drink wine, and smoke. Now, I have nothing against hipsters. Some of my best friends have friends that are hipsters. They were all pretty nice, so I was polite back. I even posed in a picture with one of them because I am such a wonderful person. Sure, they probably wanted me in the picture because of my god awful uniform, but whatever. So anyway, I was letting them in and out all night, but I had to stop two of them when they were trying to bring up a luggage cart up to their room at 5 in the morning.

Me: Sorry guys, but I cant let you take that cart up without a bellman.
Little Hipster: Oh, hey man, don't worry about it. We are just going to cart our buddy out of the room.
Me: Now I definitely cant let you take that cart up by yourselves. You want to what now?
LH: Well, it would be kind of embarrassing if a bell dude came up with us. Aw, fuck it. It's his own damn fault. Our friend, well not really, I barely know the dude, drank a bottle of tequila in our room and cant really move anymore.
Me: So you want to put his body on the cart and roll him into a different room?
LH: Don't worry. He's not dead.
Me: That's good to know. Let me talk to the bellman about this.

The bellman did go up to the room and he and the hipsters plopped drunky on to the cart and rolled him down to his room. I left a note for the morning staff that said something along the lines of "we had to, literally, wheel one drunk kid from one room to another. Someone should probably make sure he doesn't die."

Later a coworker told me that drunkenstein was staying here with his parents. Outta be proud of their skinny, funny haired little man.

Conspiracy Averted

This one didn't happen to me. My manager and I were swapping crazies stories and he shared this one that happened to him during the afternoon shift.

A middle aged woman comes through the door and struts up to the desk.

Middle Aged Woman: Hello. I need you to call the police. There is a conspiracy (dramatic pause) for a kidnapping!
Manager: Uh oh. Well, you can use the pay phone to call 911 if you'd like.
Middle Aged Woman: (walks over to the phone and stares at it for a few minutes before coming back to the desk) I can't use that payphone, I need to use yours. (leans closer and whispers) That one is bugged!
Manager: Well, unfortunately all our hotel's phones are bugged. But I know for a fact that the phones at the convenience store across the street are completely bug free.
Middle Aged Woman: Oh! Thank you very much.

Brilliant!

They must put the smarter guys on during the day.