Graveyard Shift Chicago

Goodbye? Hello?

2011-06-10T01:50:00.011-05:00

Good news for me and maybe just plain old news to you, but they have hired someone to take over my midnight shifts per my request. I will still be working at the hotel, just days now and occasionally covering the audit shifts for vacations and call offs. I will miss some things and more that I wont, but I am going to become more of a day walker in a couple weeks. Nights have been sometimes interesting, sometimes funny, and surprisingly never lonely for me, but it's time I try to become more like a normal person again who sets his alarm for 8:30 AM as opposed to PM. It was more fun when I was single and in my early twenties, but it's very easy to get stuck doing nights when it gets into your routine. Girlfriend will be much happier too, but she is going to have to find some other alarm system other than "wake me up when you get home." So, I am happy.

But the most important question is obviously what is going to happen to this blog? I am not really sure. I can keep it going by telling all the stories I was too lazy to write before and telling new day time stories. I can start a new blog that tells some of my hotel stories, but also more about my life in Chicago and other slightly more personal things. My friend Mark says I should twitter, which I refuse to say out loud, but it might be a good idea. You may have noticed that a lot of my newer posts have been brief. I kind of like them that way because I think words are a lot funnier when they are more thought out and concise than a word spewing stream of consciousness like I am doing right now, so the twitter thing might fit. Or maybe I can open up this blog to other night folk so you can read their stories. The fate of this blog is still to be discovered and I am open to any other ideas. Either way, even when I am not actively posting, it has made me happy to know that people are actually reading my stories and baffled as to why I have a decent following in Iceland. So thank you and I like you all very much.

In a weird bit of timing a friend of a friend who is a fellow Chicagoan has started a night audit blog from her hotel and asked if I want to collaborate. Her blog is called Tales from the Night Shift which is a much better name than Graveyard Shift Chicago, but we wont hold that against her. One of her posts is about poop, so I think my readers will adapt just fine to her stories.

So I guess that's it for now. Please feel free to email me at graveyardchicago@gmail.com or continue commenting on here whether I keep posting or not. Thanks again, everybody. I am sure I will see you around on the internet in one way or another soon.

So, yeah. Goodnight!

War Criminal

2011-06-03T00:52:00.003-05:00

Some days I seem to have an accent. Tonight some guests from Italy insisted that I was from England. At other times I have been Australian or from southern USA. Born and raised in Chicago, I swear. I just mumble sometimes.

The same Italian guest compared me to a war criminal because I had to hold a deposit on his debit card for incidentals. I found this much more offensive than when people think I am from Australia.

Welcome Back

2011-04-18T05:45:00.004-05:00

In a hotel at night, there is always a chance of spotting a naked and confused guest roaming around. You'll have to trust me that it is not like the videos you might find if you google "naked hotel". And sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll find a strange puddle in the elevator later. Thank you for bringing me back to reality after a nice long peaceful vacation, nude dude.

Snowpocalypse

2011-02-03T04:53:00.004-06:00

It was after the fourth crack of thundersnow lightning when I realized that my years of forming a zombie swarm defense plan was for naught as the yetis started form in the distance. Yetis. I hate those guys. Soon they started to pound their clubs against the revolving doors and I knew someone had to take charge.

"Bellmen! Strike them behind the knee with your snow shovels, then decapitate them while they are down. It is our only chance."

Ok ok. No yetis. We did get our blizzard on Tuesday as promised though. Hundreds drivers had to abandon their cars on Lake Shore Drive, 174,000 homes lost power, almost 2000 flights cancelled, and one fatality of a 60 year old man who was pulled from the frozen waters of Lake Michigan.

Aside from a few friends who lost power or got stranded for a few hours, my loved ones made it out pretty much unscathed. Too be honest, it didn't seem all that bad from my end. I was working the PM shift when it happened since hotels don't know the term snow day. Watching the storm from the lobby was actually pretty cool. That thundersnow I mentioned earlier did happen. Lightning during a snow storm. I've never heard of that before so experiencing it was pretty neat. And I saw some almost take a spill while cross-country skiing across the sidewalk in front of the hotel. Falling is almost always funny and people trying not to fall is always funny. A few guests were upset that most if not all restaurants in the area closed down, but hey, us locals want to get home safe too.

While my 11pm train ride home wasn't full of smiles, it got me to my stop at almost the normal time. The hard part was swimming the four blocks home and trying to find and retrieve some items out of my girlfriend's car. On the way I saw some poor dude trying to push his girlfriend's car which was stuck in a normally fairly busy intersection. He was bemoaning how the city should have been more prepared since we knew this was coming. I felt for them, but at the same time we knew it was coming too and they really shouldn't have been driving anyway. I didn't stop to help them in their futile cause, but I did snap a quick picture.

Anyway, I got home shivering and wet, but my girlfriend had a cocktail waiting for me and put my hastily discarded clothes somewhere dry. She did ask for me to pose for a picture first.

Last night I left two and half hours early for my midnight shift to make sure I would be here on time, but it took my usual commute time to get here. It was a very quiet night with only a few stranded guests left in house. When I leave in an hour I get to look forward to trying to find whatever snow shovel is left to buy in the city so I can dig out girlfriend's car so she can try to drive to work in the burbs, which I still think is a bad idea. After that I plan to lock myself in the apartment until I have to work again on Sunday, leaving only to stop by the corner store or possibly the neighborhood bar if I want to swap some yeti stories with my fellow locals.

Feel free to comment here or email me any of your Snowpocalypse experiences.

Trade Secret

2011-01-21T04:59:00.003-06:00

Want to know a secret?

When you ask for a 5:05am wake up call, I'm going to call you at 5am.

I just say it's 5:05.

Please dont hate me.

Christmas Night

2010-12-27T00:21:00.003-06:00

Last night I was looking for my late night bellman and found him in a dark bell closet watching a video on his phone.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Oh, just watching dogs barking jingle bells."

Not exactly what I was expecting a 21 year old guy to watch in the dark, but he showed me his phone. Sure enough, dogs barking jingle bells.

Then he made me a sandwich.

I have a good staff here.

I Know What You Did Last Night Yet Again

2010-11-15T05:49:00.004-06:00

Time once again for one of my favorite games.

What made me think you were going to bring an

escort up to the room, yet again:

You were a walk-in. I covered this one before.
You and some other dude brought in two girls at 3:30am, but they had to leave after you caused too many noise complaints and I told you that one more would result in you being put out in the street.
You were wasted and frustrated that your new girlfriends had to leave. The fact that they both left with the other dude probably didn't help.
At 4am you asked where the cash machine is. I can think of two reasons why you would need cash at 4am while staying in a hotel. One is that you need money for a cab, but you weren't going anywhere. Two is that you wanted to order in and we all know you dont have to pay for pizza with cash.
A blond woman without a coat and high heeled boots (see the before link) came in 5:30am and went up to your floor while barely acknowledging me.
She left exactly at 6am, outlasting my estimated usual time by ten minutes.

Best Thing Ever

2010-10-04T03:33:00.004-05:00

I have been dealing with some dudes whp are staying in room 505 all weekend. They are pretty harmless, but have been drunk and obnoxious their whole stay.

Sample phone conversation with room 505:

"We need some more blankets up in here, bitch! Oh, and a ham and cheese sandwich from room service. I love you."

At one point I stopped their leader as he was going out for a smoke and politely asked him to refrain from being childlishly abusive to my staff. After chatting for a bit, he decided I was a stand up guy and that I should be his weekend guardian and counselor. When he needed to order a pizza at 4am in a drunken stupor, he made sure I was at his side.

Room 505 ordering a pizza at 4am:

"I want...I need...I want...pepperoni, bitch! Deep dish. Hell yeah, bitch, large! Thank you. I love you."

I also had to consule him about not being a very good fantasy football manager.

"Don't say that, man. Chin up. It's still early in the season."

The best is when one of them got into an elevator with an attractive blond. He had just gotten back from a wedding, so his suit disguised his drunken immaturity a bit. They were chatting at the elevator went up.

She came back down a couple minutes later and told me she knew she was on the 5th floor, but had forgotten her room number. After confirming the correct room she laughed and told me that she had gotten off the elevator with the guy and walked together toward his room with keys in hand.

He asked, "What room are you going to?"

"505"

"This is the best thing ever."

I neglected to tell her that just before she got here, the dude and his buddies just had to show me the rubber female genitilia that they had just purchased at a porn shop. They didn't want to show me a receipt, though. That would be embarrassing.

Support Our Troops

2010-09-18T05:43:00.004-05:00

Right before I started my shift, I was warned by the previous manager that he had just checked in a young G.I. who had six drunk buddies follow him in soon after he got his keys to a fairly small room. Oh boy.

I spotted them soon after. Twenty one years old, shaved heads, full of vodka and vinegar. My suspicions of a party night was further encouraged when one of the guys stumbled up to me and handed me a folded twenty.

"Thank you."

"Just make sure you take care of us tonight."

If I was anywhere else I would be a little more dubious of such a cash reward and unclear instructions, but hey, twenty bucks.

After having a smoke with his buddies, he walks back in and gives me another $20.

"Uh, are you sure?"

"Yup. Just take care of us."

Again, still unclear what you mean, but hey, forty bucks.

He goes out again to a convenience store a little while later, comes back to me and hands me $6. On his way to the elevator, it becomes quite clear that he is calling a girl to come visit his room. He has to spell out his name for her. I than assumed that "take care of us" and $46 means please don't call the cops or tell my parents.

"Just keep the noise down, you have neighbors."

She comes in, buddies leave the room to hang out in the lobby, she leaves twenty minutes later.

From the guys in the lobby, me and my staff pick up some info on what happened during the night. Apparently they all went to a strip club where one of the G.I.s lost his wallet, one was last seen "leaving with some Hispanic chick", one who had not had enough of strange girls yet, and two guys who were stuck waiting until the first train to the suburbs leaves at 5:45am.

About three hours later one of them tells us that they called back the woman who visited earlier. She comes in a short while later. I say hello and she said, "Yeah, hello. Again" as she rolled her eyes. Awesome.

She leaves (surprise) twenty minutes later. The G.I. who called her stumbles down for a smoke and tells us how he just couldn't do it. He has a fiance at home and decided that he just needed someone to talk to. I have said before that I am not the morality police, but I have to say he probably made at least one good decision tonight.

At about 5 AM I decide it's time to wake up the remaining soldiers who are dead asleep on the couches and send them on their way before the checkouts begin.

In the end, no noise complaints, no 911 calls. Forty six bucks well earned if you ask me.

Can You Tell Me?

2010-08-10T18:34:00.005-05:00

We have successfully survived Lollapalooza again. We had a bunch of bands stay overnight including Skinny Europeans In Tight Jeans, My Mustache Is Ironic, and Too Cool To Tip. Well, that ended this past weekend so the rock is over, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

I just found out that the hardest rocking band of the 90s is coming to Chicago. I'll give you some clues.

Brothers.
Long hair.
Mmmbop.

Bad. Ass.

Transforming

2010-07-31T04:37:00.005-05:00

Cars are flipped over, base jumpers are flying off of buildings, and a building is toppled in front of my hotel. Michael Bay and crew have come to faux trash Chicago for Transformers 3 which leads me to the best guest question of the week.

"Have you actually seen any Transformers out here?"

Awesome. But no.

But if anyone is bored in Chicago this weekend, I would strongly recommend wearing spray painted cardboard box costumes while stomping through the city.

Almost Mugged

2010-07-09T00:28:00.004-05:00

We had a guest who was very upset that she was almost mugged at the Taste of Chicago last weekend. Almost mugged = left her purse in a Porta-John and went back to find out it was still there.

We really did try to be as sympathic as possible.

Opps

2010-06-12T04:05:00.002-05:00

Dear Chicago Tourists,

I am sorry that I have single handedly brought the Blackhawks to victory. While many of my fellow Chicagoians are happy with my extraordinary ability to allow them to win the championship by watching only the last game in the playoffs, I understand you are upset that the ensuing parade has made it difficult for you to get to the hotel this past early afternoon. I take full responsibility and would not have let it happen had I known the inconvenience it would bring. That being said, I regretfully am unable to give you a free nights stay since you could not get here until our promised check in time of 3pm as opposed noon, but I assure you, if I accidentally do it again, I will call the mayor and tell him to have the parade somewhere more convenient to you such as Naperville or Gary, Indiana.

Yours truly,
the Auditor

P.S. If it makes you feel any better, I am debating shaving my playoff beard.

The Real Story

2010-05-29T04:14:00.007-05:00

I haven't been writing here much. Alot has been going such as a crazy woman trying to bash open doors with a fire extinguisher, a birthday girl getting arrested after finding her boyfriend having relations with another girl, and a young stalker who gave me a quite hilarious love note to deliver to a guest who was staying with another man. I have meant to write out these stories, but I haven't. I'm lazy. I will probably eventually, but not right now. Just over a year ago I mentioned how I had a celebrity guest stay and promised to give the whole story if requested by email at graveyardchicago@gmail.com. So as an apology to all three people who wrote to me whom I did not write back, I will tell the story now.

In April 2009 Keifer Sutherland and Jesse James Dupree stayed in my hotel for two nights, both which I was working midnights. I grew up watching Keifer movies, starting with Stand By Me which made me afraid to go to Junior High because I was certain that there was an Ace Merirll waiting around the parking lot who was going to stick a cigarette in my eye with his gang of slicked haired thugs. Jesse James Dupree I knew from the band Jackyl (hell yeah with a Y) and an interview where he carved up Tom Green's desk with his chainsaw guitar. Awesome.

The first night they came in after a night of partying and Keifer came straight up to the desk where we have a goldfish bowl. He said that he was really hungry and pretended that he was dunking his head in the bowl to eat my fish. This is not a new joke to me working here, but it was pretty funny being who he was. Then he walked over to an orchid pot near the desk that has decorative rocks stuck to the pot. He asked if he could have one of the rocks and I said, "Sorry, no. They are glued in."

"Why would you do that?"

"Well, we knew you were coming, Mr. Sutherland."

He laughed probably more than he should have, shook my hand, and said, "You know what? You're a cool guy. Unlike the other assholes who checked me in." Ha! I doubt my coworkers were assholes to Keifer, but I always had an inkling that I was indeed cool. He tipped me a twenty and they went to they're rooms.

The second night they came in from another night of partying and Keifer went straight to the goldfish bowl, said he was hungry, and pretended to eat my fish again. Jesse James Dupree mentioned that it must be like the movie Groundhog Day for me. Mr. Dupree's esteem went up highly in my book for that. They tipped me again, joked around a bit more in the lobby and went back up to their rooms. Jesse called down shortly later and said he liked the hotel, but that next time they come I should arrange for a fishbowl to be filled with expensive whiskey complete with a live swimming goldfish, and a crazy straw to be put into Keifer's room next time. I, of course agreed that this was an excellent idea and I would surely work on that next time.

And that's pretty much what happened. No cigarette butt in the eye. Just $40 and a pretty good story. Not bad shifts if you ask me. The next day The Red Eye had a brief blurb about how much Keifer Sutherland enjoyed our hotel, but mentioned concern for our goldfish. Not sure how that part got out, but it did help to prove to my coworkers that I wasn't lying.

More Than Meets The Eye

2010-03-25T01:06:00.002-05:00

They are filming something outside of the hotel. My coworker said she thinks it might be Transformers 3. I hope not. While it would be cool to watch giant robots fighting on the street, but I'm not in the mood for the noise complaints.

Haiku Me, I'm Irish

2010-03-14T06:08:00.004-05:00

dye the river green
pseudo st. pat's day is here
don't screw in the alley

Hotel Odyssey 2010

2010-01-01T07:47:00.004-06:00

11pm

Families jumped in cabs racing to go see the fireworks and dressed up couples wearing plastic top hats and tiaras started flocking to the bars. Everyone was happy and completely under dressed for the bitter cold outside.

11:59pm

I heard the countdown being shouted throughout the nearby hotel bar. Happy New Year! The restaurant manager stepped out to raise his glass of water to me in cheer. I raised my can of Diet Coke to toast him across the lobby.

12:30am

Two bicycle cops came in to use the restroom and escape the cold. I recognized one who moonlighted as security at another property I worked at. They ended up hanging out in the lobby for a couple hours. This allowed them an opportunity to warm up and me to have the two armed guards I've always wanted. One drunk jerk came in off the street to harass my staff and they got him to leave without me having to say a word. Awesome.

1:30am

Girls dashed across the street to go their respective hotels armored only in tiny skirts and high heels trying to race ahead of the harsh wind. They lost. Everyone who came through the lobby also felt the need to inform me of the cold weather. I apologized and tried to assure them I did everything within my powers have kept this from happening. They understood and appreciated my efforts, but asked that I try harder the next time.

2:40am

My guards eventually get a call from a nearby Hilton where trouble is brewing. I bid them a begrudged fair well, knowing that this inevitably meant my troubles were about to begin.

2:42am

Three noise complaints in a row. One guy told me that if his neighbors didn't shut up, he was going to get them back even worse when they were trying to sleep off their hangovers. Another caused us to halt an amorous couple from doing immoral things in the hallway since they couldn't wait to get to their own room and floor. I invited the third offenders to come down to the lobby if they wanted to carry on their merry making without fear of upsetting their grumpy floor mates. They were really cool and we became fast friends soon after. They asked when I got off my shift and if I would join them when off duty, but with the promise that we wouldn't hang out in their room where we would disturb of complainers. I told them if they were still about at 6:30am I would consider it, but they didn't quite make it. Maybe next time BFFs!

3:45am

A suite called down and asked me to send up a bottle of Vodka. "Sorry, ma'am. The bar is closed and there is no store anywhere nearby where you can by alcohol at this time." In reality, I wasn't really that sorry.

5am

My houseman came in from outside to inform me that one of our guests was chatting with a homeless person and that they were likely to both come inside so the luckless gentleman could use a restroom. I feel kind of bad about it, but we don't allow non guests to use any of our facilities for the safety of our staff and guests. The guy walked in with the homeless gentleman and said, "It's ok, he's with me and I am a guest." I told him that we lock up all of the lobby restrooms at night when the restaurant closes (true) and the only restrooms that are available are the ones in the guest rooms (also true). When he asked where the guest rooms where, I said, "Well, like the one you are staying in." He then apologised to the homeless man saying that maybe that wasn't the best idea. Everyone ended up agreeing, including the understanding homeless man. I do appreciate a person trying to help out an unfortunate, but he pretty much enforced why such rules are in place.

5:30am

Finally got a chance to sit down to enjoy a crappy 7 11 hosted lunch/breakfast/dinner. Meal names get confusing when you work nights.

5:45am

Crappy meal is interrupted. A guest who came down to replace his room key casually mentions, "Oh, by the way. There is some guy passed out in the fourth floor hallway. I hope he's not dead." I agreed that I too hoped he was not dead and had my bellman investigate. After being unable to wake him, he asked me for an assist. When I got up to the floor, I saw the well dressed young gentleman curled up on the floor with his arms cradling his head as a pillow. I had to mildly scold my concerned coworker after he decided to help by quietly laughing and snapping a photo on his cell phone. After five minutes of trying to wake him with quiet speaking to louder urging to forcefully shaking, he finally woke up. I started to ask him questions that were beyond him at the moment such as his driver's license, his room number, and his name. Instead of answering me, he started fiddling with his iPhone. I escorted him down to a chair in the lobby so we could continue our insightful chat without disturbing anymore guests. "What is your name, sir? Are you sure you are in the right hotel? If you are trying to call a friend on your cell phone that is staying here, I would be happy to ring their room. Maybe some coffee or water well help you remember how to express yourself in a more vocal fashion." All the while, he was still scrolling through his phone. After awhile, he did speak. "Am I in Chicago?" I was happy that we were getting somewhere! After I assured him that he was, he then asked, "Am I really that drunk?" I once again assured him that he most certainly was. He kind of laughed and played with his phone some more. Just as I was wondering if I should call 911, he finished his scrolling, leaned to rest his head against the wall, and dropped his cell phone. When I picked it up, I saw that he had just spent the last twenty minutes looking up his confirmation email for his room on the iPhone. I have to admire that. The easy way would be to pull out your wallet and driver's license or maybe simply say your last name. Anyway, I made him a new key and helped him up to his room. On the way up he asked three more times if he could really be this drunk. I mentioned that he must have had a pretty good New Years. He wasn't so sure because he was pretty certain he came back to the hotel alone. I had to concede the point.

6:35am

Passed on to my relief that he has one wake up call to do at 11:30am. When asked how my shift went, I told him that it wasn't half as strange as I expected.

Christmas List

2009-12-25T02:01:00.004-06:00

12 drunks a drinking

11 scammers scheming

10 escorts hooking

9 bachelorettes wooing

8 New yorkers shouting

7 groomsmen puking

6 bridesmaids bawling

5 Movado watches

4 yippee dogs

3 drunk Swedes

2 bruised cabbies

and your fiancee passed out in the lobby

Safety Traveling Tip

2009-12-02T01:54:00.007-06:00

Another property I worked at had a lot of government employees stay there. They were usually very low key and easy to deal with, but we had one guy who was a regular and acted more like a sitcom character than an actual Fed. One time I saw that he was checking in, so I put him in a nice big corner room because I knew he would make a huge stink if he didn't like his room. No use, he had a problem. A big problem.

"This will not do. I have to change rooms."

"Really? Well, of course, but mind if I ask what's wrong with that one?"

"It's right next to the stairs."

"Oh? Are you worried about noise? Rooms by the elevators tend to get more noise complaints than rooms by the stairs."

"No, you don't understand. I am a government agent and this room is right next to the stairwell."
"I'm afraid I'm not following."

"Assassins. They will always strike the first room by the stairwell."

"Awesome. Here's your new key."

He also did weird things like asking male employees if they wanted to hang out after their shift. Some said sure assuming he meant having a friendly drink at a nearby bar. Nope. He wanted late night ice cream dates.

"Uh, sorry, sir. I'm very lactose intolerant."

Sleep With The Fishes

2009-11-19T20:25:00.003-06:00

We just had a guest call down to inform us that she woke up in the middle of the night because she could hear her goldfish blowing bubbles. She wasn't complaining, she just wanted to let us know.

It's rare that I get new ones, but it's a treat when I do.

Grizzly Friendly

2009-11-18T05:49:00.007-06:00

Awhile a go we had a guest staying with a friendly monster of a dog. The kind that could put his paws on the check in desk and look down on me. Shoulders a wide as mine and he would barely notice if you saddled him out and went for a ride through the Loop. One night I had a drunk guest in the lobby who became startled as the man and gentle giant were exiting the hotel for a nightly walk.

"What the hell was that?"

"Who, them? Just a guest taking his bear out for a night on the town."

"You allow bears here!?"

I couldn't really think of a response to that.

The Auditor's Guide to Crime

2009-11-13T04:32:00.004-06:00

Bad: Walking out of a $50 tab from our restaurant.

Awesome: Leaving your lap top and all your research in your rush to dash.

Don't worry though. One guy came back drunk at 1AM trying to get into our closed restaurant. He wasn't happy when I said I had no access after hours, but a manager would be in at 7 sharp to help him get it back. I didn't say anything about the skipped bill so he didn't mind giving me his name and contact information.

Pamela Anderson Fashion Show

2009-10-10T03:05:00.006-05:00

"Hello. We just got off the bus for the Pamela Anderson fashion show at the casino and we're just waiting for my friend to get my car. He just called and said we have to wait twenty five fucking minutes to get the car, can you believe that? Oh, is that a goldfish? It's name is Ani Defranco because she sings a song about a goldfish. Do you have a post-it, I want to write Ani Defranco on it so everyone will know it's name. Thank you. I'm here with my mother-in-law who I just got back stage and is now giving me shit about where the car is, but she doesn't speak English so I have to try to talk to her in Turkish (gestures to said mother-in-law sitting on the couch). Can you believe that I got her and her fucking son green cards and know she's ripping my ass out about waiting for the car. My friend is picking it up and driving it home, because I don't drink and drive, that would be fucking stupid. So I even found the only church in Chicago that is Catholic and Muslim, I'm Catholic, and she still isn't happy. Can you believe she is here buying her son a fucking house while I am still renting my tiny ass one bedroom? Ug! Right now I am staying at the Indigo Hotel, but only because I didn't know you guys were pet friendly. Do you have a card? I may want to move ten rooms over here in November. Thanks. Did you know that it was John Lennon's birthday yesterday and Pamela Anderson was too ignorant to give him a blessing? You'd think Tommy Lee would blow something in her ear and tell her to at least play some tribute music or something. You see, I was able to get back stage passes because I am a designer, but you think that would make her happy? And she is still giving me shit about waiting for the car (blows mother-in-law a kiss). Anyway, my gallery is on Superior so you should go check it out when you have a chance. Oh good, the fucking car is here. Thank you so much, you have such a cool hotel. What's your name again? Well, it was great talking with you. (Looks behind her to her friend knocking on the door) Wait a fucking second, I have to get her. (Sweetly) Come on, mama, it's time to go home now. (To me) Ok, have a good night now and make sure you drop by the gallery. Hopefully, we'll see you in November. (To her friend) I'm coming, I'm coming! Bye bye now."

"Um, bye!"

Maybe They Meant Berlin

2009-10-07T20:34:00.005-05:00

"Hey, how do you get to the Russian Division section of Chicago?"

"The Russian Division? You mean Ukrainian Village?"

"No, that's not it. We're looking for the street with all the Russian dance clubs. Our cab driver told us that's where we should go to pick up girls."

"The Russian Divis.....Oh, wait! You mean Rush AND Division."

If you don't know Chicago, you may have to trust me that this is pretty funny.

Female Caller

2009-09-17T04:12:00.009-05:00

Got an unlisted call tonight at 4am from a throaty female caller.

-Hello. I'm staying at the Holiday Inn, but I stayed at your hotel last week. Are you the young guy who works at night?
-Uh, I guess I could be. What can I do for you?
-What do you look like?
-Um, six foot. Blond hair.
-With the muscular build?
-No, not really.
-Medium then? I'm calling because I am looking for the guy who works there who says he does full body massages for money on the side.
-I'm afraid that's not me.
-Oh. Maybe the security guard then?
-We don't really have a guy like that here.
-Oh. Ok. I'll call back tomorrow night.

I have my doubts about this one. There is a steady line of crank calls at night, almost all from unlisted numbers. Usually, they are from young kids with friends snickering in the back round that hang up giggling as soon as they say a swear word. I had one guy who asked if I was ready. "Ready for what?" I asked. "Are you ready to make a reservation!" He then went into a detailed gangster style rap about making a reservation at my hotel. It was pretty high end too. Unfortunately, I had to put him on hold because I was rather busy and he hung up before I could get back to him. Should have paid more attention to that one.

This is a new one. I've had drunken female friends call and try to convince me that they were a sultry female guest who desperately needs the sexy front desk guy to bring up warm towels to their room, but they tend to have our giggling friends in the background much like the preteen callers do. If this was a friend, I could not tell who it was, so that would be fairly impressive performance. I suppose it could be legit. I think I've seen a movie about that once. It was pretty good, but I only watched maybe ten minutes of it.

Even if I was single, I guess I am too pragmatic too play along. If there really was a woman out there looking for a full body massage from a stranger at 4am, there are many many reasons I would not get my hopes up. I hope it was a crank call and not someone trying to figure out the security situation here. I'm going to email my boss again and ask if that front desk cattle prod I requested is ever going to go through.

Party Planning Committee

2009-08-16T06:29:00.012-05:00

While I was outside flagging down cabs for departing wedding guests, a trolley pulls up filled with girls in pink shirts yelling in high pitch unison, "Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!" The woman standing next to me pulls a drag from her cigarette and says, "Ah, the Woooo. The standard call of the bachelorette party."

There are many aspects of the bachelorette party that I don't understand, but I have seen enough to make a sexist list which I have entitled The Auditor's Guide to Bachelorette Parties (see below).

The Auditor's Guide to Bachelorette Parties

Everyone should be wearing matching little pink shirts with some half-witty slogan on it.

The bride to be has to wear a tasteful head band with sprouting penis antlers, a flashing pendant that attracts attention to her cleavage, and a veil that mocks her soon-to-be vows.

You need to have some sort of naughty little game planned like Lifesaver candies tied to her shirt which strange guys are supposed to remove with their teeth, or scavenger hunt list which requires the bride to try to convince guys to do extremely dumb things even though it wont even get them a phone number.

More penis accessories, because guys will only try impress girls who have lots of wieners on them.

You need at least one of each of the following girlfriends; an old friend who doesn't like the bride's new friends, a new friend who is shocked that the old friend isn't responding warmly to her, a friend who swears she hates drama, a couple friends who provide nothing but drama, and a quiet cousin from another state who is freaked out by these weird new girls and would like nothing more but to be ignored until gets to go back to her immeadiate family.

You have to yell "Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot.

Maybe a stripper. I don't know about that one though. Are straight women turned on by male strippers? Really? Weird.

There are many things here that I don't get. Sure, you want to have a "naughty" night out with your friends for old time sake, but it's all rather silly, which may be the point. Granted, this mock list is only based from what I have seen during overnights at my hotel and the dumb bars I used to go to when I had just turned twenty one and didn't care which bars and clubs totally blew chunks. The bars I go to now would make for a really awkward (and awesome!) bachelorette party. I have seen the Lifesaver thing during that eneducated time. I guess when a women is just about to get married, she finally learns to appreciate the joy of having a drunk stranger bare his teeth at her chest. And it's pretty awkward for the guys too. Being up close to a breast is a noble and mysterious prize that should be earned by witticism and guile, not by being dragged off your bar stool by some shrieking girls and pointed to a taken woman with only the prize being some dirty hard candy. But again, I must be missing the point. One of the dirty pleasures I get as being a night manager is that I get to see the sloppy drunken aftermath when the party gets back to the hotel and even the drunkest horniest dude flees with in seconds of trying to chat up the party haggard group of blonds in miniskirts.

I'm not saying bachelor parties are that much different. Most of the ones I've been to are just as sloppy drunk, but delightfully nerdy. It's hard to get girls to chat up the groom to be after giving him twelve shots of Jameson, but lots of fun to watch. So far my favorite bachelor was when the best man couldn't get into any bars or clubs because he lost his license to a speeding ticket and I had to plan a very last minute party at my apartment with plenty of booze and a Nintendo emulator. But that's just me. I've been to the other more raunchy ones to, but yeah. Let's leave it at Nintendo.

The one thing I do know is this: if you are throwing a bachelorette party and the bride cries at the end, the party failed. But if your best friend ends up in tears after his bachelor party, it's a job well done.

Not Your Dealer

2009-08-15T03:32:00.007-05:00

"I am flattered that you think I am cool enough to ask, but I am afraid that I do not have a joint to sell to you for $20. I am also regretful that I will have to turn down the $20 finder's fee for asking my staff if they have one. Your boldness to ask is admirable, but I do not recommend walking around the streets at night trying to find one. An unscrupulous homeless person might offer you a great deal, but you may end up being directed into an alley and leave with only a few lumps on your head instead of a mellow buzz."

I guess I must look like the kind of guy you could ask. It must the blond shaggy hair and sleepy eyes. At another property I was training a teenage bellman and he asked me where the best place to smoke pot in the building without getting caught. All I could tell him was that I had no idea, but so far he was certainly going about it wrong. The kid was dumb and hilarious. We called him Master Blaster for some reason. Master Blaster used to always complain about some dude who stole his girlfriend. He would go on and on (at our encouragement) about challenging new boyfriend to boxing matches and blowing up his car.

"How would blowing up his car get your girlfriend back?"

"Uh, I don't know. Guess it wouldn't. But at least he wouldn't have a car to pick her up in."

Unfortunately, our time with Master Blaster was cut short by untimely termination.

The Smarmy Little ...

2009-08-08T01:46:00.007-05:00

A thirteen year old stops by the desk on the way out with his family.

"Hi. I know that you think that I am the trouble maker around here, but that's just not true. The thing is that I just really like apples. Now, I know you noticed that I stuffed six apples into my cargo pants when I was in the elevator with you, but that's only because I love apples so much and you guys just happen to have my favorite brand of apples in your lobby. It has come to my attention that you think that my behavior has been suspicious since someone has been riding the elevators from floor to floor and chucking apples at people's doors when the door opens. That is very unfortunate. I cant believe someone would make such a huge mess in your hallways and disturb your other guests when they are trying to sleep. But it's not me. Because, you know, I just really really love to eat apples. So I understand the misunderstanding and I hope you catch the troublemakers who are doing this. See you when we get back!"

Ah, thirteen. The age where you know everything and everyone else is so very stupid. I loved this speech. We knew we had no proof and was showing off for his sister and cousins. The apple chucking did stop, but he kept coming down to the desk asking for things like cup after cup of hot water. After the fourth cup I asked him what all the water was for.

"Hot chocolate."

"Hot chocolate? On a warm August afternoon?"

"Hot chocolate is always good."

"Right."

Never did get to find out what he was boiling up there. Maybe it's for the best.

Crime, Books, and Videotape

2009-07-24T10:41:00.013-05:00

I have just read a comment on my last post from my most loyal reader, Anonymous, possibly hinting that I may not have been posting due to this article. Sorry dear readers, that's not me. I would never have my mugshot taken in front of a pink background. Would be funny if it were, though. I'm afraid I've been a bad updating auditor due to a more nefarious reason. After that stupid Conflicker virus scare, my hotel has seriously upped it's web browsing security by blocking such evil networking sites such as myspace, facebook, and http://www.graveyardchicago.blogspot.com/. So not only am I unable to download over-hyped malicious nerd viruses onto my work's network, I am unable to view this blog much less update it from there. Ah well. Since I have done most of my writing here on impulse at 4am during my shift, I have been neglecting my plan of emailing myself some posts and pasting them from home. But I will be better now, I promise.

Along with the internet changes, they have also changed the lobby music to a more summery theme. Surprisingly, all of these summery songs are about cities other than Chicago. I am lucky that I work at a job that streams music that plays a third of which I would listen to on my own time. This is the only job I've had which they play an occasional Social Distortion song and when alone at the desk I can have my own private Al Green groove session. But I don't know about the new mix. We got at least three Beach Boys songs on rotation, which is ok. Next we have Summertime by Will Smith. Sure, why not. But the most often played song is All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow. Now, I can stand a Sheryl Crow song once every four years, but they play that song about once an hour. That adds up during a forty hour work week. I'm sure you understand and deeply sympathize.

But not all has been bad. I have recently met my favorite convention that comes to Chicago and am saddened that they only come once every four years. The American Association of School Librarians have recently departed and I will miss them very much. Women of all ages and a couple dudes (husbands) have come to the desk asking questions ranging from opera tickets to what channel the UFC fight is on. They were all super smart, witty, and they read and followed every rule we have. My favorite pair of couples had a woman in their group who reads a book a day and would tell you four to five other obscure authors you might enjoy based on what book you have been currently reading. She picked up and left me a couple books based on what she thought I would enjoy, one being about a vampire detective in New York. Some people just know me. The books alone was one of the best tips I have ever received, but later her husband came down with a paper bag stating that they had some leftovers and I was free to have them if I wanted. Often, guests will offer some left over Chicago Deep Dish Pizza(tm), but they gave me a six pack of Trader Joe's beer. Books? And beer? Only two of my top five favorite things in the world! Come back the American Association of School Librarians, I miss you already.

Since I have been lacking in my posts, I'll add a brief story. When checking up on upcoming arrivals, I found a reservation for a room with two queen sized beds that had the following added on note from the reservationist; "The guest stated that they would be having 14 people in the room to film an adult film." Whether management approves or not, we have had a couple of "exotic" people stay here who have used our rooms for such creative purposes, but in only unimpressive numbers like two or three. I figured it best to send my supervisor a warning email warning of this possible art making, but noted that it was probably a joke being that the reservation was under the name Yao Ming, the seven foot six Chinese Houston Rockets NBA player. For better or worse, the reservation ended up being a no show. I am torn as to if this was my preferred outcome.

I have also grown a beard.

And I Keep Eating It Only Because It Is There

2009-05-29T03:35:00.004-05:00

Tonight I went to 7 11 to pick up some midnight snacks and since I am so health conscious, I decided on some Instant Lunch noodles and beef jerky. I am hear to tell you that 7 11 brand beef jerky is $2 less for a reason. The package says that it contains expertly sliced and dried premium cuts of beef with black pepper. While I have never claimed to be an expert on slicing beef jerky, I don't see what is so "expertly" about it. They are just random hunks of jerky. No shapes of super heroes or anything, just hunks. Hmm. Super hero shaped jerky is a really good idea. If you are in the jerky business, send me an email and I will sell that one to you along with my many other meat shaping ideas. I'm not so sure about the premium cuts part either. I don't imagine any jerky supplier has to look for the premium part of a cow (please let it be from a cow) for my snack. It is dry and too crunchy. They weren't kidding about the black pepper though. I imagine that one of the expert slicers dared a coworker to eat a piece and then decided to smoother it with pepper so people would get distracted from the meaty part. The back of the package is trying to assure me that thanks to the just right dusting of black pepper my taste buds are sure to get fired up. I'm not sure that the 7 11 jerky distributors know what "dusting" means. After I swallowed a piece, I heard a crunch when I bit down later on pure pepper chunks. Yuk.

Next time I will save up an extra $2 and go for my more trusted brands of beef jerky. The Instant Lunch noodles didn't disappoint me any more than usual though.

It's been slow.

They Only Come Out At 5AM

2009-05-16T08:11:00.003-05:00

A girl in her early 20s comes down to the desk looking for a cab. While the bellman flags one down for her, she decides to share.

"Oops. I left my cigarettes in my friend's room and I forgot the room number. He's a really cool guy. We've known each other for a long time. Don't worry, he's gay."

"I see. Did you call down a couple hours ago asking about our smoking policy?"

"Yeah, that was me. Hey, do you know where I was before I got here?"

"No. No I do not. Where?"

"Jail."

"Really? What for?"

"Guess."

"Maybe it would be better if you just told me."

"Solicitation. I was picked up by a fat guy in a real nice Cadillac. I get in and he asks if I would do...something to him. I told him normally not on the first date, but for him I would. I figured I was going to make some big money. Just as I was taking off my blouse, he pulls out his big fat wallet and shows me his badge."

"Oh. Wow."

"It was cool though. They let me go after awhile. The cops even let me drink my vodka."

"Oh really?"

"Hey, do you know where I can get some booze?"

"At 5am on Saturday morning? Afraid not. Some places start selling at 7, though."

"Oh, ok. I'll be back later."

"Uhm, ok?"

Best Shift Ever

2009-04-20T02:50:00.009-05:00

When a celebrity VIP is staying at a hotel, it is key for the staff to acknowledge their status without annoying them with typical fan like needs. It is a fine line between not asking for autographs, but making very clear that you know who they are. On the other end, you never want to meet a celeb that doesn't live up to the level that you want them to be. I was lucky. Last week I met one of the few big stars that I was actually star struck to meet. Ace Merill was the tough greaser I was afraid to meet in junior high, David was the vampire that was the the only villain that Joel Schumacher ever made scary, and Jack Bauer is the only conservative hero that I ever cheered for. I am proud to say I have met Kiefer Sutherland.

This is my story.

01:35:06
[phone rings]
Me: Thank you for calling the front desk, how may I help you?
Kiefer: Chloe? Is that you? Thank God you're all right.
Me: What? This is the front desk. Can I help you with something?
Kiefer: Listen to me very carefully. I need a vodka cranberry sent up to my room right away.
Me: I'm sorry, Mr. Sutherland, the bar closed at 12:30.
Kiefer: [shouting] Dammit! You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation.
Me: Sorry, sir. You could always try the Irish pub across the street.
Kiefer: Fine. Get a CTU helicopter here in 5 minutes.
Me: Uh, I can turn on the cab light for you.
Kiefer: Do it! [click]

03:05:32
[phone rings]
Me: Front desk, may I help you?
Kiefer: Chloe, I need the access code to get into the adult movies.
Me: My name is not Chloe, sir.
Kiefer: [shouting] I need those codes now!
Me: Ok, Kiefer. It will take me a few seconds to pull them up.
Kiefer: You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.
Me: All right, all right. Geez. [furious typing] Ok, got em. First find the remote.
Kiefer: Got it.
Me: Press power, then the A button. Now press the A button again.
Kiefer: [shouting] Hurry! I'm running out of time!
Me: Now you just scroll down and pick which one you want.
Kiefer: Oh, good. I got one. Thanks! [click]

03:37:06
[phone rings]
Me: Good morning, this is the front desk. How may I help you?
Kiefer: [angry] How long have you been playing me?
Me: What? Is there something wrong?
Kiefer: Someone, not me, has clogged the toilet.
Me: Sorry about that, Mr. Sutherland. I'll have Glen the engineer come up and fix that for you right away.
Kiefer: No! Not Glen. He is no longer to be trusted.
Me: What? I've been working with him for years.
Kiefer: No! He has been undermining our mission from the start. I need you to come up and do it.
Me: [uncomfortable] I'm sorry, I really should stay here and mind the desk. You know, for national security….things.
Kiefer: That's the problem with people like you. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves.
Me: Not going to happen, Kiefer.
Kiefer: Fine, I'll do it myself.[click]

04:15:48
[phone rings]
Me: Front desk, may I…
Kiefer: [almost whispering] Listen to me, I have a hostile in the room next to mine. I believe it is a terrorist, maybe 14 months old. He is crying loudly and keeping me up. Can you give me identification?
Me: Oh, that must be the Watson's baby. Sorry, there's not much I can do from here.
Kiefer: I used to be in the military. Used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life.
Me: Well, I'm sure Mrs. Watson will quiet him down soon.
Kiefer: [still whispering] I'm going in.
Me: Wait, Kiefer! No!
[gunshots and screaming heard over the dropped phone]
Me: Kiefer? Hello? Kiefer, are you there?
[click]

05:23:06
[phone rings]
Me: Yes, Mr. Sutherland?
Kiefer: Tell me where the phone book is or I will kill your son!
Me: Did you check the closet?
Kiefer: The closet? No. Hold on. [brief wait] Never mind. Found it. [click]

06:54:25
[phone rings]
Me: Yes, Mr. Sutherland?
Kiefer: Chloe, I need you to send up a luggage cart and change for a twenty to take a train to Midway.
Me: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Sutherland.
Keifer: What!?
Me: I said I'm afraid I can't do that, Kiefer. I have orders not to send up a bell cart and make change for the train.
Kiefer: [shouting] What? On whose authority!?
Me: [dramatic pause] The White House, sir.

Ok, maybe that isn't exactly what happened. Maybe that was a modified blog that I posted a few years ago before Kiefer and I became best friends. The real story is almost nearly amusing which I may tell you if you email me at graveyardchicago@gmail.com. The full story includes Jesse James Dupree, the lead singer of Jackyl. Yes, with a Y.

Bottom line, Kiefer Sutherland and Jesse James Dupree were awesome. I may never forget when Kiefer Sutherland said I was a cool guy and Jesse James Dupree made a Groundhog Day joke. Best shift ever.

Hitman

2009-04-16T01:55:00.000-05:00

One of the cool things about working in a hotel is meeting the occasional celebrity. Most are really cool, some are snobs, and a few smell like mustard. I rarely get starstruck, but I just met one of my favorites tonight and couldn't help being a little awed. I'll write about that experience after he checks out in about 24 hours from now. In this post I am going to talk about a celebrity who didn't like me. Shocking, I know. If it matters, this story didn't happen at the property I currently work for.

Aside from the Rocky movies, I'm not a huge boxing fan and Tommy "Hitman" Hearns was not a fan of me. If you look up his wikipedia page, you will see that he was quite the celebrated fighter during his time. I think he was there for a charity event or something. Everything was going well when I checked him and his entourage in until he asked me, "Are these rooms ahjurmin?"

".... I'm sorry, what?"

"Are these rooms ahjurmin?"

"... Again, I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question?"

"I said 'Are these rooms ahjurmin!'"

"Are the rooms a germy? No, we cleaned them before you got here."

His assistant quickly jumped in and asked, "No. He wants to know if the rooms adjoining."

"Ah! Adjoining. Yes, there is a door between the two rooms."

"What's amatta? You don't speak english or somethin?" he asked getting a few nervous chuckles from his crowd.

I am an expert mumbler myself, but I guess I don't have the excuse of getting hit in the head for a living. My buddy who was the bellman took him up to the rooms and told me that not only did he get tipped well, but they spent the elevator ride talking about punching me in the stomach. Thanks, bro.

What Made Me Think: Part II

2009-04-10T01:33:00.000-05:00

What made me think you were committing identity theft to get a room tonight:

You didn't look right. You were wearing sweatpants and have no purse or bags. You smelt and appeared not to have washed in days. I don't like to discriminate, but I have to in order to protect my place of business and my job.
The guy you were with was hanging back by the revolving door. He looked like he was ready to bolt at any time.
You asked me if we accept credit cards. This is a really dumb and suspicious question.
You didn't ask me what the room rate is. When I offered it anyway, you could care less. You may be eccentric tycoons, but I have my doubts.
You handed me a debit card and a driver's license. Normally a good sign since most shady people want to pay cash, but you didn't pull them out of a purse or wallet. You had them floating around in your sweatpants pocket.
The picture on the license is close, but not close enough. If it wasn't for everything else that made me suspicious, I might not have noticed.
I mentioned this and you were not offended. I asked for another form of identification and you said you don't have anything without bothering to check or even think about it. You said you just got a haircut.
I said I am sorry, but I can't help you and you were OK with that. The fact that you left so quietly and without argument made me happy. It told me that you were up to no good and I am glad that I don't have to argue with you for a half hour.

I decided to call a hotel around the block to warn them you might be showing up there. The desk clerk is amused because you are standing in front of him. He is less discriminating than I am and has tried to check you in.

Unfortunately, the card has been declined.

Conditions and Opportunities

2009-04-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

Last week we had a charming elderly French couple check in. Well, charming if not a bit racist.

The gentleman went to the concierge and requested for him to arrange a manicure for his wife. But they had a couple conditions.

1) She must not be Asian
2) She must be polite
3) She must speak English

"Sorry sir, I don't think we can arrange that. How does one out of three sound?"

Also, I have a tip for people looking for more gainful employment in these hard economic times. When you are drunkenly escorted out of a hotel at 4:30 in the morning due to noise complaints from a room party, it is not the best time to try to stop and apply for a job. Feel free to call us later at a more decent hour so we cant smell the vodka on your breath.

I Know What You Did Last Night

2009-02-20T01:03:00.001-06:00

What made me think you were going to bring an escort up to your room:

You were a walk-in. Most of our guests will have a reservation already made because they planned to be here. People who come in without a reservation tend to make for better blogs.
You checked in at 11pm and your driver's license showed that you live in a suburb that is within reasonable distance. While you didn't have a car with you, the train back to your suburb would still be running, yet you choose to stay downtown at near $200 for the night.
You called from the room and asked if I "happened to know the address of this hotel." This was an awkward question. You may have phrased weirdly because you were nervous about who was coming over. Most likely, it wasn't going to be a pizza guy.
You came down to wait in the lobby and didn't acknowledge the pleasant greetings I gave. Instead you walked straight to a chair that was facing the glass door to sit with your cell phone clutched in hand.

What made me sure that you were bringing an escort up to your room:

Being the good manager I am, I made sure to be within view of the door when she arrived. She had a strange tan and was wearing that lipstick that makes women's lips look all big and glossy. Lots of perfume and hairspray. I have seen dudes who bring in their girlfriends that look like that, but you aren't that kind of dude. That kind of dude usually has the same tan as her, the same amount of hairspray, and those same pouty lips. Take that as a compliment.
Her shoes. This one tends to give it away. While I normally don't notice women's shoes, I automatically check when I think someone might be an escort. Most women in Chicago do not wear stilettos like that in February.
You shook hands when you greeted her.
She was confused about parking on the street and did not ask about valet or about near by garages. I forced myself to resist asking how long she was planning on staying.
She was bitching about Chicago and how much she hates coming up here as she went to relocate her car. This usually means she is from Indiana. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
You stayed inside when she went back outside to her car. My bellman was making conversation about the new parking laws and you shuffled your feet and responded in short agreeing grunts. Afterwards he realised that you probably weren't really into the conversation, but were more interested in getting out of the lobby as soon as possible.
She arrived exactly at 1am. I guessed she would be walking out the door at 2am. My bellman guessed 1:30. He was closer, but overestimated by 8 minutes.
She said "goodbye, sweetie" to me while walking out the door. I believe this is a force of habit. I also have to be nice to people while on the job and know sometimes that can carry over past your shift to people who are not your clients.
I saw her license plate and it wasn't from Illinois. I wont spoil it by saying which state it was from.

Misadventures of Dude and Dave

2009-02-07T04:19:00.001-06:00

4:15am Saturday morning. I hear a couple young drunk guests come downstairs and thump their heads on the locked revolving door like moths to a light bulb.

"Dave, come on man. Let's go. We can walk to the Daley Center."

"Dude, I can't. No shoes," says Dave as he gestures down to his feet. "See?" Fact. Only black wooly socks.

"Come on, Dave. Seriously, let's go."

"Dude, no shoes!"

"Stop being a pussy and let's go!"

I step in and ask if they need any assistance. Dude was locked out of his room with his girlfriend passed out inside. I make him a new key and send him back up with a bellman.

Not sure why he wanted to walk six blocks to the Daley Center at 4am. Can't see how that would get him back into his room. Maybe I could have found out if only Dave wasn't such a pussy.

Photo Shoot

2009-02-06T01:50:00.000-06:00

My night bellman got a new cell phone recently, but lost a lot of his old contacts, so when he tried to find the number of a cab driver friend of his to pick up one of our guests he got a wrong number. The girl who answered the phone was a young woman who was out clubbing and they ended up having a conversation. After exchanging names, they arranged to have my guy call her back tomorrow afternoon. I overheard the exchange and joked that I was surprised that he didn't try to get a cell phone picture. Well, she called him back and wanted to know how old he was. He said forty five, but that he doesn't look it. I agree, he could be a fresh forty two. Even though he is 250% older than he is, she wanted him to send her a picture because he "sounds good". Well, ok then.

He asked me to help take the picture and to let him borrow my grey suit jacket because he didn't want the picture taken of his work issued purple suit and most heinous tie. For a good half hour we worked on the lighting and different poses through out the lobby until he found one he liked enough to send. This is not exactly what I expected to be doing tonight. Turns out he cant send the picture out tonight due to his service, so will have to wait tomorrow. Let's just hope she is sober enough to remember who he is when she wakes up and gets it.

The whole thing amused me to no end. Even if I was single and ever wanted to meet someone this way, it would never work. My assumption that the correct response would be to over apologise for calling the wrong number so late and hang up quickly. If the girl wanted to continue to talk to me, I would feel obligied to warn the dangers of such meetings. I am, however, going to start telling everyone that this is how my girlfriend and I met.

Services

2009-01-23T05:02:00.000-06:00

"What kind of late night services does your hotel offer?"

"Uh, I guess that depends. What are you looking for?"

"Do you have any other services aside from food and liqour?"

"I'm sorry, sir. Can you be more specific?"

"That's ok. Nevermind."

Don't want to know.

Misconception

2009-01-17T02:42:00.000-06:00

"Hey. Where's your bar?"

"Sorry sir, it's closed for the evening, but you can try the Irish pub across the street."

"Are there any gay dudes there?"

(oh brother) "Wouldn't know, sir. Could be."

"There were some at the last bar we were at. Don't get me wrong, they weren't too bad, but they were hitting on my wife."

"Well, I guess they sometimes do... wait, what?"

Street Friends

2009-01-10T07:05:00.000-06:00

It's been getting slower and slower lately. Fewer travelers are coming around due to the season and the economy. Since we are having less guests and therefor giving me less shifts, I may not have as many amusing stories for awhile.

But don't worry. The snow and cold brings in the weirdoes to visit me at night.

What crazy people like to come in and talk to me about:

the Masons
Castro
Chemicals that cause snow to turn yellow
Nature turning on us
Where the Swiss Hotel is
the crazy people at Citgo that try to kill people with their eyes
their mother

Actually, that was only from one woman tonight.

And she came back to pick up the Windex she accidentally left here from her first visit.

Sexual Harassment

2008-12-13T04:38:00.000-06:00

This evening a young woman came to the front desk and asked if there were any female employees working tonight. The full time auditor is a woman, but on Thursday and Friday nights it is only us manly men who man the hotel, as you can tell by how masculine this sentence got toward the end. Anyway, this situation nominated yours truly to awkwardly try to zip up the back of her dress without touching her skin. I learned two things from this experience; I am glad I am a guy because those tiny zippers are a bitch and that it is impossible for me to be in that kind of situation without accidentally noting that is it "hard to get it up." Fortunatly we made it through without any sexual harassment lawsuits.

Which brings me to the entry I've been meaning to write about. Granted, I only have a little interaction with the housekeeping department so I have no clue what kind of situations they have encountered when they have walked into a room with too forward guy, but all of the harassment issues I know of come from those dirty minded women to our poor and innocent male bellmen.

One time a woman who was sixty going on twenty two called down to see if we could go across the street and pick her up a pack of smokes. Not trying to take away any one's tips, I asked the doorman if he wants to do it. No problem, easy money. He delivers the cigarettes and comes back down in record time.

"She wants matches. There aint no way I am going back up there."

Apparently she was up there wearing a robe and talking to her friend on speaker phone. Shortly after he entered the room he was flashed and crotch grabbed while the other woman on the phone asked what kind of dirty things they were going to do.

I walked the matches upstairs and found a houseman who was just leaving the room after delivering some sort of amenity. The matches were passed on to him. He had no problem going back in the room.

Another story was when we had a certain film star stay with us. We know this because she informed us she is an actress, a model, and a dancer. The front officer manager tried to confirm this, but for some reason our content browser blocked all of her websites. Anyway, a good friend of mine was working as a bellman that day and went up to check her in.

"Ah, yes. This is a good room. I like the mirror. Me and my husband are definetly going to have sex in front of it tonight. Maybe we'll film it."

"Uhhhhhhh."

She then sat on the bed blocking his way out with her knees.

"Hold on sweetie, let me get you a little tip," she said as she went through her bag. Several minutes later she pulled out a rectangle sheet and started to write on it.

He came back down to the front desk with a red face and showed us his tip. It was an artistic photo of her clutching her enhanced adjustments with the writing, "Hugz and a snuggle" with her signature. My friend loved this photo so much that he left it in his mailbox for everyone to enjoy when he left the hotel for another job. Fortunately, I had the good sense to put it in an envelope and deliver it to him for his birthday last month.

But then someone at the party stole it. Easy come, easy go.

Of course, it is a double standard that if the above two women were guys doing that to a female worker, it would have resulted in more than snickering on our part. Is that wrong? Maybe. But it is pretty funny.

Room Move

2008-12-08T17:39:00.000-06:00

"Hello. My room has a mildewy smell coming from the bathroom."

"I see. Would that be from last night when your buddy got drunk and passed out in the bathtub with the water running which resulted in the flooding of the two rooms under yours?"

"Yup."

"I'll have a new key sent up immediately, sir."

Conflict and Resolution

2008-11-19T19:19:00.000-06:00

A group of guests walked out of our restaurant and flagged down a cab from across the street. The driver makes a u-turn for his new riders. Another cabbie was sitting down the curb at our cab stand and didn't like this apparent poaching of fares. He walked up to the cab with our guests and pounded on the driver's window. Driver gets out and a yelling match occurs. Guests sit baffled in the cab for awhile until a fist is drawn back and released. Guests decide to look elsewhere for a cab.

While the two cabbies are fighting, our doorman and concierge try to calm down the pugilists along with the help of a friendly homeless man. Front desk calls the police. While waiting the police to come, Mr. Homeless gets tired of breaking up the fight and walks toward to the cab stand. Concierge recommends that the drivers stop pounding the hell out of each other because someone is getting into one of the cabs. After a few more minutes, they stop duking it out and one of them looks back.

"Hey, where's my cab?"

"Well dummy, remember when I told you to stop fighting because someone was getting into your cab?"

One driver drives away fare less and a little bruised.

One driver pouts as he waits for the police to arrive in our lobby.

One friendly homeless guy drives off in his new taxi which will soon be ditched after being stripped of cash, wallet, and cell phone.

One hotel desk clerk kicks himself for missing the whole thing while eating his burrito in back for lunch.

Item!

2008-11-16T06:20:00.001-06:00

I checked in Jimmy Fallon the other day. He smelled like mustard.

It's been slow.

Halloween Special

2008-11-01T05:50:00.000-05:00

Last night was the night to scare away the evil demons by dressing up as ghosts, goblins, this years pop culture icons, and slutty school girls (also see slutty french maids/cops/pirates/meter maids/support technicians/night auditors/sumo wrestlers/insurance adjusters/etc). Right next to New Years Eve, St. Patrick's Day, and Election Night, Halloween is one of the biggest amateur nights when it comes to excessive drinking. And I got to work it!

As you may have picked up, I long for nice quiet evenings with happy guests and early bedtimes. This seemed not to be the case. After riding the bus downtown with all the drunken costumed revelers (surprisingly, with only two Dark Knight Jokers) I was getting a taste of what to expect. And guess what. Nothing. Dull. Quiet. Boring.

As I removed all the fiberglass cobwebs and clingy plastic spiders, I found that I was empty inside. Maybe I need my drinkers to make my shift go by. This should have been a big blog night, but my boozers have abandoned me. What did I do wrong? My rates were fairly cheap. And I would have listened to you rant about why it's stupid that we don't serve burgers at night. Was it me? You staying at another hotel, aren't you? Well, fine. If you think I can't find another guest to demand that I go across the street to pick up a twelve pack of Heineken at 4:30 in the morning, you're wrong. Dead wrong.

But seriously, come back. I'm bored.

I did have one couple come in late at night dressed like Gomez and Morticia Addams carrying gifts. They had just gotten married at a costume requested wedding and everyone showed dressed up. That's pretty neat.

Oh, and one guy was dressed as a giant chicken. Not slutty.

Walk Of Shame

2008-10-15T16:55:00.003-05:00

"Hello. I am staying at another hotel, but last night I had some drinks in your restaurant. I met three ladies there, had fun in the bar, and then went upstairs to have more fun with one of the girls. When I left in the morning, I left my Movado watch in her room. I would like to try and get that back."

"Ok, let's try calling her room. What was the room number?"

"Don't remember."

"Well then, what is her last name?"

"Don't know."

"How about her first name?"

"Sorry. No idea."

"Well, what do you know?"

"I know she is from LA. She said her flight leaves today at 6pm."

"Awesome. We'll take your name and cell number and let you know if anything turns up."

Around 4pm, the dude comes down to sit in the lobby and wait facing the elevators. Our staff anxiously awaits to see how this love story turns out. About fifteen minutes later she comes down with her friends on the way to the airport! He walks up to her as they both turn red and exchange an awkward hello again kiss. They sneak off to a dark corner away from her friends and the watch is returned. With heads hung low, they go their seperate ways.

I love happy endings.

Overnight

2008-10-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

Usually our rates go from about $200 to $350 depending on the season and how busy we are. On the rare occasion they go down to $100, we get guests who are comparable to the audience members of the Jerry Springer show.

The other night I had a young couple come to the front desk.

"How old do you have to be to stay at this hotel?" This is never a good sign. After I told them they turned to each other with a conspiring look and then asked for a room for two nights.

"Sigh, ok. The rate is going to be $239 per night. I'll just need a photo id and a credit card?"

"No thanks. I want one of your $40 rooms."

"Oh, are you referring to the sign by the door?"

"Yup. And I don't have a credit card, only cash."

"The sign that says '$40 Overnight'?"

"Yeah, does that include tax?"

"Sorry the room rate is $239. The sign is for the garage's rates. If you finished reading it you will see that $40 will get your car parked for the night."

"Oh. No $40 room?"

"No $40 room."

"Oh. That sucks."

Unsurprisingly, this is not the first time I've had this conversation.

Tension Release

2008-09-26T00:21:00.000-05:00

"Hey. Uh, do you know of any, uh, you know. Massage parlors. With the Asian ladies?"

Awesome!

And no. No I don't.

Two hours later a blond in a miniskirt and stiletto heels walked in after telling the valet her driver will be back for her in half an hour. I wonder who she is here for?

Can't Please Everyone

2008-09-20T04:19:00.000-05:00

4:15am - friendly drunk girl walks back inside after saying goodbye to a friend

"Hey! What size your your pants?"

"Uh, what? 34 I think."

"Damn. Not 28?"

"Nope. Afraid not."

"Oh well. Goodnight!"

Can't help but wonder how that could have gone.

My Man!

2008-09-19T01:49:00.000-05:00

1:15am phone call
Tipsy McBoozer: Hello. I need a wake up call. Earwy.
Me: Ok sir, how early would you like me to call.
TMcB: Earwy.
Me: You got it. What time would that be?
TMcB: Uh................. I'll call you back.
(click)

1:30am
Tipsy McBoozer: Hello. Wake me up earwy.
Me: You got it sir. And what time should we call you?
TMcB: Ok. Call me at 7..............
Me: Call you at 7am. Got...
TMcB: 15! 7:15 and 7:30.
Me: You got it sir, 7:15 and 7:30 am.
TMcB: Got it?
Me: I got it sir. Have a good night.
(click)

1:40am
Tipsy McBoozer: I need to wake up earwy.
Me: No problem, sir. We have you down for a wake up call at 7:15 and 7:30am.
TMcB: Earwyer.
Me: Earlier, you got it. What time can I change that too?
TMcB: ................ I'll call you back.
(click)

1:45am
Me: Good morning again.
TMcB: Wake me up earwy.
Me: Not a problem. What time?
TMcB: 7:00 and 7:30.
Me: Ok, 7:00 and 7:30am. You got it.
TMcB: You gonna wake me up?
Me: You bet we are! 7 and 7:30.
TMcB: My man!

The Marriott Blues

2008-08-23T04:32:00.000-05:00

4:30am on Saturday morning, two girls and a guy come back from the clubs. They have drinks in hand and two mostly full bottles of vodka. Here are some tidbits from our conversation.

"Hello. We've been drinking." ~ O rly?

"One time I passed out in the lobby at the Marriott and they threw a blanket over me. Would you throw a blanket over me if I passed out in your lobby?" ~ That or a bucket of water.

"We're going to go drink more in our room." ~ Great.

"Hey, would you call my room first if you are going to call the cops about the noise? The Marriott didn't call me before they called the police." ~ Those unscrupulous curs!

"Don't worry. I have a key to the minibar." ~ Double great.

"You guys are nice. You are a nice hotel. That's good because I can't go to the Marriott any more...." ~ Actually, you are starting to grow on me now. You get a blanket.

"Ok sweetie, we're going to go back to drinking now. Have a goodnight and don't call the cops without telling us." ~ Goodnight! Please pass out soon!

The Pale DeskClerk

2008-08-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

I have finally got around to see Christopher Nolan's next Batman flick entitled That Joker Be Crazy! I waited so long cause these shifts are hard on movie goers, plus I knew I was going to love it anyway, so what was the hurry. Anyway, it was awesome. Batman is always cool, but he was only a secondary character to the Joker, Harvey Dent, and the city of Chicago itself. Plus his Batman voice is really annoying.

They filmed tons of the movie within blocks of the hotel. It is clear that eighty percent of Gotham City is on the river. I didn't get to see the filming of too many scenes, which is sad because all of the best car explodey scenes had to have been filmed so very close. There is a scene from Bruce Wayne's loft where if you look to the bottom left of the screen and squint toward street level, I am near positive you can make out another hero of the night being berated by a random bar slut for not letting her use the private bathrooms.

Daywalker Jamie captures the Gotham flag during filming.

This time around, I only saw a couple GPD cars and having them film for six hours a scene where a cop walks into a building (screen time: 1.3 seconds). For Batman Begins, I was tortured at my old job trying to check people in while the friggin' Batmobile was revving up to race down the wrong way of Jackson Blvd. Totally, not fair. My only other encounter with the filming last year was when one of my guests tried to describe to me in detail all the naughty things she planned to do to the stars at the cast party. I later found out that she was the one who came back looking for the cute night guy in glasses. So in no particular order of studliness; Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, and me. Sounds right.

So no surprise, the movie is awesome. I am excited to see at again, this time at IMAX. Though, I am a little concerned about the next one. I am afraid they might be hard pressed for a worthy villain. If you see Mr. Nolan, you may want to suggest another creature of the night who prowls the dark streets of Gotham/Chicago.

Who was that man in purple? Stay tuned for The Night Auditor: Year One.

Secret Pleasures

2008-08-08T04:28:00.000-05:00

Some of my favorite guest interactions happen at 5am. This when the morning people are checking out to go to work and the night crowd starts stumbling in after closing a 4am bar. The risers come down groggy and quiet while the drunks are banging on the window because they can't figure out how to put their key in the night door. After I buzz them in, they stumble over and loudly slur at the morning crowd to watch out for the crackhead outside. I then get to assure them that they are just our usual homeless crowd and they are harmless. The only thing that the early bird is worried about is their highly inebriated Samaritan. It's kind of fun to try to do a peaceful check out while a drunk yells the word crackhead fifteen times in a row. The morning person will start to grow uncomfortable and try to timidly assure the boozer that they will be careful and quietly say something to me like, "to be young again..."

Nothing to worry about day walker. They are the same age as you.

Groupings

2008-08-08T03:32:00.000-05:00

We have a pretty diverse range of guests who stay here, but sometimes certain groups stick out. Like tonight, for example. There were several groups of women who were separate from each other, but something made me think they had something in common. I wasn't really thinking about it when I suddenly remember someone saying that someone was playing a concert at the Chicago Theater tonight. Hmmm, who was that again? Oh, Melissa Etheridge! That explains everything.

Another group we have in house is about twenty Chinese gamblers. The Horseshoe Casino in Indiana has put them up for a couple nights, I assume as comp rooms in appreciation of handing over mass amounts of unwanted cash to the card tables. The casino is also paying for $250 per night of restaurant and room service charges for four of the rooms. Those rooms must house the worst of the gamblers.

At first sight, I figured what to expect. Casinos are open all night if not super late, so I figured they would be bouncing around the hotel all night as well. Also, they are coming in from Indiana, never a good sign. And there was a most excellent communication barrier. It can be frustrating for both ends of the conversation, but it's kind of fun too. Like figuring out a crossword puzzle that is in two different languages. At my old job, I took secret pleasure in having my Antiguan coworker who had a very thick island dialect call in to order Thai food. They both always ended up getting very frustrated with each other as the conversation grew louder and louder. Oh, the silent belly laughs I had... But I digress.

We have a very limited room service menu, so on a busy night we might send up maybe five or six sandwiches or salads, each with one pop or water. The fun began when the four rooms with the comped food started ordering room service at 2am. We don't serve booze that late (phew!) so it was all in bottled water, Diet Cokes, cranberry juice, and other nonalcoholic beverages. Fortunately, the restaurant manager was still there and helped us find more goods. I don't think anything ordered was actual food food at all. It was great fun for me to see the look of panic in my night porters eyes, who also has a heavy accent, as he was trying to figure out how he could supply one room with sixteen diet cokes, twenty four bottled waters, and a pack of "oral mints". To those four rooms, I think we sent up fifty bottles of water, thirty Diet Cokes, and I really wish he kept those receipts so I could have copied them. Anyway, this ended up costing over $800. And with gratuity, I think that puts about $150 in tips in my porter's pocket (sorry folks, nothing for our poor hero here).

You may have to trust me that this is all pretty damn funny. Even though things can be pretty unpredictable working late night in a hotel, it's kind of awesome when things like this throw you for a complete loop. Just hope they know not to clean out the mini bar. That's not included in their freebies...

Festive

2008-08-01T05:46:00.000-05:00

Great news for music fans, bad news for Loop hotel employees; Lollapaloolza is back in town! Oh brother. It's cool that Chicago has these sort of things, but they can be a pain in the ass. Taste of Chicago, Looptopia, and now this. Just means more drunks buzzing my doorbell all night. But maybe some more blog entries!

Thursday night was the eve of the three day music fest and given me a glimpse of the check ins that are to come. The hipsters are all back after finding cheap rates on Orbitz, but I can't really complain about them too much. They are for the most part really nice since they are not used to staying in a nice hotel and probably feel intimidated into being calm. I guess hipsters aren't supposed to get worked up very easily anyway. They just go outside every five minutes for smoke breaks and pile on top of eight friends when it is time to squeeze back into their room.

I had one odd conversation with a guest. It was one of those hip dads with breads and ponytails who knows and likes all the same bands as their seventeen year old daughters. One dad came up to me and asked where they could go watch the fireflies.

"Is that a band?" I am not as hip as some dads.

"Nope. The light up bugs."

"Oh. Not too many of those in the metropolitan area. Maybe in the suburbs. We got pigeons?"

5am Sunday Morning

2008-06-15T05:22:00.000-05:00

Good morning and welcome back to the hotel. Did you have a good night out?

Hi. Yup. Want a Funyun?

Hmmmmm, yes. As a matter of fact I do.

Funyuns are fucking good.

Yes, sir. Yes they are.

The Ladies

2008-05-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

Like any job, hotels have their own work language. This includes abbreviations, number codes, and politer ways to say bathroom with out saying bathroom. Also, the guests have some secret code words that come up again and again by different patrons. For example, recently I have had a run of people asking for a "phonebook" at late hours of the night. Whenever a "phonebook" comes up, I pretend I have no idea what the mean.

Me: Sorry. For some reason the concierge locks up the phone books at night. What are you looking for?
Guest: Uh. Pizza. I need a pizza.
Me: Well, you are in luck my friend. I am well versed in late night Chicago pizza deliveries. Perhaps I can send you up a couple menus.
Guest: Uh. No thanks. Phone book.
Me: Sorry sir, no phone book. Would you like me to google something for you?
Guest: Girls, damn it! Escort!

At this point, I leave the guest to his own devices. This has little to do with morals, but these situations can be a hassle for me. I do not want to be involved. At all. Also, I'm not getting lucky tonight, so why should you?

I have some of my own stories about guests and the ladies of the night, but there was a most excellent situation all read wrapped up in my fellow night managers night report.

(Guest) came in around 4:30am with 2 working ladies. They left about 10 minutes later, and he went running after them, saying they robbed him. He brought back the ladies and 2 officers, to search the room for his wallet. They found his wallet, but the money was missing. The police said if they book the ladies & have them searched they would also have to arrest him for solicitation, so he declined to press charges.

Awesome.

Show Time

2008-05-10T02:18:00.000-05:00

Yes ma'am, I know the outside door is locked. You have to use your room key to unlock the night door. I may very well be a mother fucker, ma'am, but that isn't helping us right now. Just show me your key and I will get you up to your room. You don't have to show me your mother fucking key? I'm sorry, but you being drunk and obnoxious doesn't really make me want to buzz you in any faster. How about your name and I will look you up in the computer. Yes, ma'am, I want your mother fucking name so I can buzz you through the mother fucking door. Ma'am, just tell this mother fucker your name and I will look you up and let you in. There we go, that was easy right? Did you know that during this exchange you have more than quadrupled the number of times I have ever been called a mother fucker? Thank you and a good mother fucking night to you too!

(five noise complaints, five minutes, and a elevator ride later)

Hello again! I am truly sorry, but we cant have you sitting in the hallway screaming and pounding on your door. So, what's wrong? Ok, so your mother fucking bitch of a roommate has dead bolted the mother fucking door and now you cant get into your mother fucking room? Ok, let's calm down a bit and try to call her. Oh sorry, I guess you don't want to be mother fucking calm. You already mentioned that you want to get into your mother fucking room. Believe me, I want you in that room more than you do.

So you two were out drinking, she left early and is now not answering the door? And you weren't fighting? Ok ok, you weren't mother fucking fighting. Let's just try to get this situation resolved. You don't want to get this mother fucking situation resolved? Oh, you do. Phew! Ok, first step is to stop pounding on the door and stop screaming at the top of your smoke scorched lungs. Second, it's very kind of you to be entertaining our guests with your screeching and banging, but you may want to close your legs a bit because, between you and me, they aren't great tippers. That's better. What? How much mother fucking money do I want to get you into that mother fucking room? Believe me, getting you out of this hallway is payment enough. You will pay me six hundred mother fucking dollars to get you into the room? Ma'am, at this point I don't want any of your mother fucking money. Besides, that's only maybe $35.

Anyway, the engineer is on his way to help us out. Now, we're not going to start screaming at your mother fucking bitch of a roommate are we? Your neighbors have not really enjoyed the show so far and this maybe one of those times where a cat fight isn't appreciated. Of course you don't care about the mother fucking neighbors. My mistake. Ok, here we go. Oh good, at least your mother fucking bitch of a roommate was the only one on your floor passed out enough not to hear your screaming hissy fit. You have a great night and thank you for staying with us! Mother fucker.

Hate Monger

2008-03-29T06:33:00.000-05:00

Like everyone else I know, I'm not prejudiced against race. I'm just not sure if that black guy on the train is rapping or really angry. You see, I ~~love~~ like ~~everyone~~ some people.

But I do have a very deep different kind of prejudice. Oh yes I do. If I find out what city or state you live in, believe me, I will have some deeply scornful perceived notions about you. And lots of the time you don't have to tell me where you are from. I can just taste it. And it's nasty.

Here are a few examples.

I know you are from New York. You are loud, obnoxious, and seem to think everyone wants to talk to you. I don't care if you can get an saber tooth tiger sandwich at four am in New York. Go to bed.

I know you are from Detroit. You are shifty and untrustworthy. Within thirty seconds of this conversation, I have checked my pocket to make sure my wallet is still there and my sides to check on my kidneys. And I am going to call my mom and make sure she is all right. I don't care if you once sold crack to the whole Pistons line up. Go to bed.

You are from New Jersey. You. Ugg. Go to bed.

I know you are from Toronto. You talk alot yet are unnervingly polite. You are an odd mixture of major American city people and with just enough smugness about not being an actual American. I do feel bad that you had to drive through Detroit to get here. Go to bed.

I know you are from Los Angeles. You hair is too complicated for Chicago. And you dress like a douche bag. You are either here to film an interview or shoot a porno in your room. You are also likely to answer the door naked and scare the housekeepers. Go to bed.

I know you are from Indiana. You don't want to be here, but your boss made you come. You miss your strip clubs and are afraid of Chicago drivers. You have Chicago envy, but aren't going to admit it. At least your favorite baseball team is here. Take off your trucker hat and go to bed.

I know you are from the South Suburbs. You are here for a wedding. Afterwards you get drunk you will go to a bar in your grooms men's suit and get into a fight about whether the Sox or Cubs are better. Then you will come back here, buy two cases of MGD across the street and slur at me something about "where the ladies at?" You will drink one half of those beers and pass out on a bell cart. Go to bed.

I know you are from the North Suburbs. You want to tell me how wonderful the musical or opera you just saw was and how crazy your cab ride was. Go to bed.

I know you are from anywhere else in Illinois. See Indiana.

I know you are from Chicago. You have lived here all your life and still complain about the weather. And you are still shocked about how much parking costs in the loop. You know Chicago is better than LA and New York even though you've never visited either. Finish your blog and go to bed.

Nerd Alert

2008-03-20T21:55:00.000-05:00

Man, nothing brightens my day like an exceptional nerd. A guy has been staying here the past couple days and he is acing every nerd test. One of those guys who is so unembarrassed by his nerditoid that he is almost cool. Almost.

Greasy black hair tied in a pony tail? Check
Food stained Microsoft sweatshirt? Check
Thick glasses? Of course
Nasally voice? Yup
Talks about his dietary restrictions? Thank you sir, that's good to know
Flirts with foreign employees by using the wrong language? Check
Busts out an accordion in the lobby and plays for about a minute? Check Mate

Tell me you are not impressed.

Room Dispute

2008-03-07T20:28:00.000-06:00

My crazy girlfriend has this crazy notion that we should avoid arguments after we've been drinking. This, of course, is ridiculous. How else are we supposed to involve cabbies, bouncers, bartenders, officers, and your friendly hotel desk clerks in our heated arguments about...uhm....err.....what were we fighting about again? Well, whatever is was, I am sorry, you were right, and I don't know what I was thinking, and will you please get back in the car?

Working the night weekend shift gives me plenty of opportunities to see happy attractive couples leave the hotel for a night on the town, have them come back four hours later still happy, but less attractive, and then have them neither attractive or happy after they hit the mini bar and a bathroom mirror.

Fortunately, it rarely gets violent, but it can present uncomfortable situations. Sometimes funny, but uncomfortable. But it happens, so don't feel too embarrassed. Just know that everything you do will be logged down for all of the staff to read and enjoy. And some asshole might even post a blog about it. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

So anyway, last weekend I overheard a intoxicated dude come in from a night out and immediately buddy up with the night bellman. The gems of the conversation were that he was ranked slightly higher than FBI and would show his gun if you wanted. No thanks. He also invited my coworker up to the room for some booze and the promise of some girls. Sorry sir, I'm on duty!

The guy goes up to his room and calls down an hour later saying that he doesn't want any girls to come up to the room. This is a new one for me. I asked if he was expecting any to come and he confirmed that he did, but not to let them go up to his room for any reason. Uhm, ok.

At 4:30am a leggy blond comes to the front desk wearing a dress that appeared to be a thin shiny dishrag. My night audit sense tingled. I stopped her and asked what room she was going up to. Surprise! I asked to see her id and regretfully informed her that I could not send her up the room since she was not on the account. Turns out the formally happy attractive couple went out clubbing, got drunk, he talked to girls, she talked to dudes, he leaves, she stays, he texts explicits, she texts explicits, he locks the door. All of her clothes, money, and two little dogs are locked in the room as well. I knew she was telling the truth, but my hands were tied. Aside from calling the room several times, there was not much I could do since her name wasn't on the room. So she pulls out a cell phone and says she will call the cops. Good idea, just call 311. Now, I should say that the girl was upset and drunk, but surprisingly respectfully and never raised her voice (well, anymore than normal drunk conversation). She was a nice enough of a person which I found odd since she was dating such an asshole and was from Detroit.

Two cops come, listen to her story, and ask if the four of us can go up to the room with a pass key to retrieve her belongings. The bellman quietly asked me if he should mention to the cops that the guy said he has a gun. Good idea. The cops were less concerned about the gun, but made the girl promise she would stand back and not start yelling if we got the door open. I knock. No answer except the yipping of tiny dogs. I try the pass key. No dice, he dead bolted the door. Sorry, ma'am, nothing else we can do here. We go back to the lobby and the girl tries to call someone, anyone to put her up for the night while one of the cops told me an awesome story about the time he took his wife to Acapulco, got in an argument in a restaurant which lead to thrown food, tailing his wife back to the hotel room, and a mad dash for the room key. That's some good police work, Lou.

So eventually, she calls mom in Detroit, promises her that she made this mistake for the last time and will break up with him for real, I talk to mom in Detroit, and we arrange a room for the night on her credit card.

Long story long, mom and dad pick her up the next day, the cops are called three more times to get her stuff back, and the dude threatens to sue since we disturbed him all night.

In the end, this situation was the least of my hassles for the night.

So again, this stuff happens. It's embarrassing, but it happens. Just be warned that very little is secret. Just think before you drink. For the dogs sake.

Truth, Justice, Yada Yada Yada

2007-12-28T03:07:00.000-06:00

When I started this blog, I made a few rules for myself. One was to not identify which hotel I work at. Two was not to use my real name or have my friends post it here, even though Jeremy the Dummy already did that. These rules were made because I respect my workplace and don't want to bring any accidental bad attention to it. Not that it really matters, as far as I know only friends of mine read it, which is awesome. If I don't know you and you found this blog, feel free to email me at graveyardchicago@gmail.com or leave me a comment here. I want to be virtually popular. The third rule I made for myself was not to use the real names of guests who stay here (unless they are celebs who have already checked out or hotel room porno makers). In my other blog, I have poked fun of people's names at my old property, but I've matured beyond that and gained respect for privacy. Until now. I cant help it. I am going to break rule number 3.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bruce Superman is staying over tonight.

Holy shit. Bruce Superman! There's no way anyone could really have this name! Well, the credit card he used swiped the name Superman, B into the system, so KAPOW non believers! Now, I haven't met Bruce Superman. I don't think I need to. I know everything I need to know about him. Or at least everything I decided that I am going to pretend I know about him. Even though I'm sure this is impossible, but I want to make sure I like Bruce Superman and couldn't bear to take the chance to have him look down on me if I ever disappointed him. Who knows what Bruce Superman would do if his bath towels didn't come up in time.

What I know about Bruce Superman:
He's an AAA member, he'll drop $120 on room service, and another $150 in assorted restaurant charges. Obviously a man with developed palate and a heightened sense of bargain hunting. He hasn't rented a porno, but I doubt Bruce Superman has ever needed pornography. He also enjoys scented bath balls.

What I can assume about Bruce Superman:
He is a bad ass. If he was born Bruce Superman, no kid would ever mess with him. He probably never had to fight anyone in his life, unless they were a bully from another school who made the mistake of jumping the wrong kid for milk money. Granted, there is a strong chance that he decided to become Bruce Superman. If this is the case, he either is a laid back dude with a good sense of humor or he was forced to become Bruce Superman after his parents were shot down in an alley and rocketed out to an exploding planet. So he may be a witty swashbuckling crime fighter or a dark brooding vigilante. Or he might be an above average accountant. Whatever he does, I am sure he does it well and with honor for the American way.

Of course, being Bruce Superman has to have some downsides too. He probably had a hard time with his ID while trying to get into bars when he turned 21. And I'm sure some of his coworkers (under either identity) may tease him behind his back. And of course he has to hear the same comments over and over and have people stare at him with a stupid smile on their face when they first hear his name. Morons. You have not the right to judge Bruce Superman, just be thankful that he is in your presence! And of course, Bruce Superman has to have some arch enemies. Like that goon in shipping named Lex DrDoom. And his nosey landlord, Zod Magneto. Or his untrustworthy on again/off again ex girlfriend, Selina Mystique. Bruce Superman probably has a couple serious trust issues. He's been hurt before, emotionally and once thrown into a vat of acid sharks.

I am sorry that I had to broke my third rule, but it's quite obvious I did so out of respect to you, Bruce Superman. I hope your Mediterranean suite was as comfortable as your cave of solitude. Thank you for staying with us and we do truly hope you come back someday. Check out is at noon.

Pet Friendly

2007-12-26T21:18:00.000-06:00

Highlight of the day:

A working seeing eye dog going ape shit when passing the front desk since he knew we had treats at the front desk. Not very professional, dawg.

Sorry. I punned.

If The Shoe Fits

2007-12-09T05:00:00.000-06:00

Stereotyping is bad, right? Well, yes, I suppose it is, but sometimes people make it so very easy to lump them into a category. I didn't make up the stereotype and I am not the one enforcing it. But I guess someone did and some people just wear it well.

Anyway, we had a wedding tonight that fitted into a stereotype that is probably safe politically correct wise to make fun of. Hill billies! Everywhere. I heard a "YEE HAW!" and a "Git er done!" yelled within 10 seconds of each other.

One guy came by the front desk and asked if I was a California surfer dude. I said no, born and raised in Chicago. Then he told me he doesn't like Chicago weather and how in Texas he likes to ride around on his motorcycle while wearing shorts. Uhm, ok. And he asked me what we do when NASCAR comes to town.

You did it. You said NASCAR. You have been judged. It is out of my hands.

They Only Come Out at Night

2007-11-15T16:36:00.000-06:00

The reservation office called us today saying that a certain guest is unable to checkout until 5:30pm due to religious reasons.

5:30pm. Just when it's starting to get dark in Novemeber. Religous reasons? Sounds like a common case of Porphyric Hemophilia to me.

Excuse me while I go sharpen some broom handles.

Tricks and Treats

2007-10-29T03:47:00.001-05:00

Earlier today we had a female guest call down and complained that electricity blew out in her room. When the problem was investigated, we found that the blown fuse was due to all the photography equipment set up to do, ahem, a photo shoot. A quick internet search done by one of the managers found some of her other work. Alas, he did not share the web address. We get quite a few of these "models" along with some "dancers" and "film stars". Awesome!

At about midnight, three girls came down in very skimpy dominatrix outfits. Skimpy as in better have a couple band-aids under the corset so there are no arrests for indecency. It seems the night before they were wearing the same thing when they went out. Our engineer was in the elevator with them when he was ordered to bend over while one of them waved a menacing banana at him (I declined to ask what happened next. They were on the prowl for some hot Sunday late night Halloween parties. When I got a cab for them, they didn't believe that I didn't know where all the good strip clubs are. They said goodnight and that they'll be back at 7am. No banana was offered to me, so I didn't offer one either.

Bad Dude

2007-10-10T13:48:00.001-05:00

An internal flag on an incoming guests room:

"Guest's wife does not allow him to carry a credit card, so he will bring a photocopy of the card (issued in his name) along with acceptable ID. Have the guest fill out a cc authorization form at c/in and keep copies of the cc and a copy of the id"

Please please please let me be the one who checks this one in.

Religion, Mystics, Confusion, and Vomit

2007-09-30T03:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting for awhile because it's been rather dull here. Very disappointing. Busy, but dull. I figured I should at least post something in case my three readers stop coming by.

We had a happy drunken wedding this past evening. Since it is a non smoking hotel, it is usual for guests to hang outside of the front door to puff away and sneak out beverages. There were about a half dozen party goers outside when I noticed a homeless man interacting with them. We have quite a few regular homeless in this area of the loop, so it is not unusual. I was watching this from the inside and called the bellman who was outside calling cabs.

Me: What's that guy doing out there? Is everything cool?
Night Bellman: Yeah. Everythings cool. He's just preaching Jesus.

Soon after, there were group hugs with the homeless man and much merrymaking. Saved!

Later I walked out just in time to see a young lady vomit out the door of her cab. Her boyfriend and I exchanged looks and tried not to laugh. I like to pretend I never drink when I see things like this.

There was a memo by the other night auditor to look out for the models who were checking in because they might be confused. I thought this was funny. But it turned out to be true.

Drunk swedes have trouble understanding our wacky number system. 1202? 1205? Not the same thing?

I also had one lady come down to the desk at 4am with a new question. We have a lady come in during our wine hour who does writing analysis. The lady wanted to know if we know who this hotel mystic was and to make sure she isn't going to steal her handwriting and her identity. Fair enough, I guess. Maybe. Interesting what worries go through people's heads at 4 in the morning. I assured her we knew how this lady was and that she probably had nothing to worry about. Pretty sure she went back to bed unconvinced.

But It Was Guaranteed

2007-08-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

I do love porn disputes. I did say disputes, right?

Usually people "accidentally" turn on the movie for about ten minutes before they suddenly realize it's the wrong movie. I had a guy today who told me he didn't mean to watch one of the movies, but the other one was ok.

Satisfaction Guaranteed? Deleted!
Ultimate Threesomes? Paid for in full!

This both proves and disproves everything you ever learned about judging a porno by it's cover.

Celebrities and Drunkards

2007-08-28T03:56:00.000-05:00

The regular night auditor is on vacation so I am on day 3 of a 7 day midnight marathon. So far it has been pretty tame, but I'll throw in some tidbits.

We had a rapper whom I never heard of stay here. He had an entourage, an Escalade parked up front, ate nothing but fast food, smoked a whole lot of weed in the room, and has beaten his murder rap, but still got convicted for the involuntary manslaughter. Come on man, try to have some originality here.

Bellman: Hey, don't you know who that big fat guy eating the cheeseburger is?
Me: No idea. Who?
Bellman: 50 cent!

It really wasn't 50 Cent.

Also, the night bellman told me that some girl came to the desk late at night one day and asked about me. This is unusual. Even though I am amazingly attractive, I rarely get flirted with at work and never flirt back. You believe me, don't you, baby?

Night Bellman: Yeah. She didn't know your name but asked where was the cute guy wearing glasses and an ugly tie.
Me: Well, I do wear glasses and it certainly is an ugly tie. That is odd, though. I have no idea who that could be. What did she look like?
Night Bellman: A drunkard.
Me: Ahhhhhhh.

Mystery solved.

Me: Yes, they are filming an Angelina Jolie movie outside and, yes, I will send her up to your room immediately. You are very funny. Go to bed.

So far my favorite guest has been the drunken Norwegian guy. He was awesome. He walked up to me and briefly mumbled something. I agreed with him and he gave me $20. This is how all of my guest interactions should be. If you stay at my hotel, you should definetely do this too.

Two Weeks Prior

2007-08-19T03:39:00.000-05:00

I'm bored. Nothing going on except for the usual comings and goings of the bar folk. Just glad the drunk Cubs fans and the drunk Cardinals fans aren't fighting. So, since today is dull, I'll tell a brief story from a couple weeks ago.

It was the Sunday of Lollalapooze weekend. I was hoping for a nice quiet night, but no luck. I had little hipsters coming in and out of the hotel all night so they could sit outside, drink wine, and smoke. Now, I have nothing against hipsters. Some of my best friends have friends that are hipsters. They were all pretty nice, so I was polite back. I even posed in a picture with one of them because I am such a wonderful person. Sure, they probably wanted me in the picture because of my god awful uniform, but whatever. So anyway, I was letting them in and out all night, but I had to stop two of them when they were trying to bring up a luggage cart up to their room at 5 in the morning.

Me: Sorry guys, but I cant let you take that cart up without a bellman.
Little Hipster: Oh, hey man, don't worry about it. We are just going to cart our buddy out of the room.
Me: Now I definitely cant let you take that cart up by yourselves. You want to what now?
LH: Well, it would be kind of embarrassing if a bell dude came up with us. Aw, fuck it. It's his own damn fault. Our friend, well not really, I barely know the dude, drank a bottle of tequila in our room and cant really move anymore.
Me: So you want to put his body on the cart and roll him into a different room?
LH: Don't worry. He's not dead.
Me: That's good to know. Let me talk to the bellman about this.

The bellman did go up to the room and he and the hipsters plopped drunky on to the cart and rolled him down to his room. I left a note for the morning staff that said something along the lines of "we had to, literally, wheel one drunk kid from one room to another. Someone should probably make sure he doesn't die."

Later a coworker told me that drunkenstein was staying here with his parents. Outta be proud of their skinny, funny haired little man.

Conspiracy Averted

2007-08-13T01:28:00.000-05:00

This one didn't happen to me. My manager and I were swapping crazies stories and he shared this one that happened to him during the afternoon shift.

A middle aged woman comes through the door and struts up to the desk.

Middle Aged Woman: Hello. I need you to call the police. There is a conspiracy (dramatic pause) for a kidnapping!
Manager: Uh oh. Well, you can use the pay phone to call 911 if you'd like.
Middle Aged Woman: (walks over to the phone and stares at it for a few minutes before coming back to the desk) I can't use that payphone, I need to use yours. (leans closer and whispers) That one is bugged!
Manager: Well, unfortunately all our hotel's phones are bugged. But I know for a fact that the phones at the convenience store across the street are completely bug free.
Middle Aged Woman: Oh! Thank you very much.

Brilliant!

They must put the smarter guys on during the day.

Phone Psychic Part 2

2007-08-12T08:24:00.000-05:00

At around 6am with an hour left of my shift, I began to think I really didn't get as much information as I should have from my earlier conversation with the phone psychic. Fortunately, fate was on my side. You should probably read the post two down from this one to get the first call. Not that it would make anymore sense.

Me: Good morning and thank you for calling "hotel". How may I help you today?
Woman: I believe I talked to you earlier. I am the one who was trying to figure out what I am supposed to do.
Me: Oh yes, we certainly did talk about that.
Woman: Well, I just figured out that I am the one who has to stay at your hotel in order to find this man. Is today the 12th or the 13th?
Me: It is Sunday morning of the 12th.
Woman: Ok, here's what we have to do. I need to stay there on 8/13 and I have to be in suite 813. Some people say that the number 13 is unlucky, but it all makes sense now. You must make this happen.
Me: Well, I would like to make this happen, but it looks like we are sold out on that day and there is no room 813 anyway.
Woman: That can't be right. (pause) I guess I will just have to get this man to come to my home.
Me: I'm sorry, I don't think I ever got your name.
Woman: My name is Mary Lynn. I have recently found out that Mary means mother, like Mother Theresa and Lynn means compassion. It makes sense to me now. This is why I need to find this man.
Me: Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help you more, Mary.
Woman: Do you know that I haven't felt the touch of a man in 5 years? Not a touch, a kiss. I have not made love to a man in 5 years.
Me: ...
Woman: What I need to do is invite this man into my house and we will find what we have both been needing in our lives. We will save each other.
Me: I just wish I could be more help with all of this.
Woman: No no. You have been so kind and helpful. I love you. Thank you so much for talking to me and helping me find out what I need to do.
Me: It has been my pleasure. I hope everything works out with you two.
Woman: Thank you, me too. I love you. Goodbye now.

I swear, I could not make this up. I might as well quit this blog now. There is no way I can top this.

And I am not sure if I want a part 3 of this one or not...

The Destroyer

2007-08-12T05:27:00.000-05:00

A haggard looking woman buzzes the front door. I signal for her to use her room key to unlock the door, but she keeps buzzing. I reluctantly let her in.

Haggard Woman: I need something, but first give me a piece of paper.
Me: (hands her a piece of scrap paper) There you go. Do you have a room key?
HW: This paper isn't big enough.
Me: I'm sorry ma'am. Do you have a key or are you checking in?
HW: (ignores me and sits in the lobby and starts to write)
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, I can't have anyone hang out in the lobby unless they are guests of the hotel.
HW: Fine. Give me a room.
Me: Well, unfortunately we are sold out tonight (true). Unless you have a reservation, I am going to have to ask you to leave.
HW: (gets up and starts to walk to the elevator)
Me: Again, I am sorry ma'am, but I cant let you go up without a room.
HW: I am visiting someone.
Me: Ok, great! Let me just look up their name and I will let them know you are coming.
HW: I don't have to tell you that! It's personal!
Me: Well, unfortunately without the guest's name, I can not let you go up.
HW: (death stare) What is your name?
Me: My name is "my name".
HW: I am going to call the police on you.
Me: Ok. I am sorry, but you still have to leave.
HW: (starts walking toward the front door, but before she leaves she gives me the death stare) You will be destroyed.
Me: Thank you. Have a good night.

Phone Psychic

2007-08-12T04:39:00.000-05:00

Me: Good evening and thank you for calling "hotel", how may I help you?
Woman (young sounding and soft spoken): Hello. I need you to help me find a guest in your hotel.
Me: No problem. What is the last name?
Woman: Hurd. If not Hurd, than Beard. Or maybe Rogers.
Me: Ok. I am sorry, I am not finding any of those names. Are you sure they are staying at this hotel?
Woman: Oh yes. He is definitely there. Ok, let me think. My birthday is on the 20th and it is 12 of August. ...August.... How about room 338?
Me: Uhm, no, sorry. We do not have a room with that number. I'm sorry, can you hold for a second? I have another call.
Woman: Of course. I love you. You have been so nice to me.
Me: Ok, I'm back. Well, I looked up those names and every name that starts with the same letters and nothing is turning up. So, you are sure this person is staying at this hotel?
Woman: Oh yes, they are staying in a suite. (talks quietly to herself naming more numbers and dates) Ok, can you check suite number 2303?
Me: Again, I am sorry. Our floors don't go so high.
Woman: Hmm. How do the floors there work? I love you. You are so helpful.
Me: (Describes the layout of the floors and the suite locations. Three times. I think she is drawing a map.)
Woman: Tell you what, let me go over this again. What's your name and phone number?
Me: Uh, well my name is "me" and you can reach me at "312-hotel-number".
Woman: (Names more number combinations under her breath.) You are so nice to me. I have to find out where this person is staying so I can save him.
Me: Excuse me? Save him?
Woman: Yes. He is about to do something self destructive, even though he does not know it, and I have to save him. I know it sounds weird.
Me: I don't know what to tell you....
Woman: You are so kind. I love you. I better just come over there and start knocking on the doors of the suites.
Me: Uhmm, I am sorry. That's probably not such a good idea. I can't really have anyone come and knock on random peoples doors.
Woman: Oh, I see. Ok, I will make some other phone calls then. Thanks for all your help!
(click)
Me: (Lock the doors)